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10/10/2007 生病咯:(哦，好難受哦！要病不要病是最辛苦的說……哎哎~
還好今天早上沒事，挨過了課堂報告。還不錯啦，至少我呈現的時候，沒有人睡覺。我已經開始犯職業病了ORZ
哈哈，我竟然會說：“同學們， 你們知道爲什麽嗎？/有人要猜猜嗎？/對了！就是因爲……” 0_0 這是，天生就要走上沾筆的道路嗎？有些事情你不相信是天注定都很難，說真的。
鼻涕一直流……剛才回家的途中莫名其妙頭痛。我的大頭可以預測天氣的說。如果列熱當空的一天，我突然頭痛到要死，呼吸開始出現問題，就是説，要下傾盆大雨咯~~~~~同學， 快把你的小雨傘拿出來唄~~~~~說真的， 我寧願不要這種折磨人的“特異功能”。真的差一點死掉。好可怕。上一次感覺要死，是8歲那年，哮喘病突然發作（我之前從來沒有哮喘的記錄，所以也沒有藥物在身旁。），大家都不知所措，真的感覺要死了。人家問我什麽我有意識可是完全無法回應，很痛苦又說不出來。拜托，不要再讓我這樣死了~~~~
睡了5個小時，頭還是很重，不是痛，很重就是了。哎哎~~~在這種時刻，我覺得我需要身邊有個男人。哈哈~~~剛才吃飯的時候，耳朵一直嗡嗡叫，大家大聲説話，我的頭更重，很想躲到被窩裏，有人哄我睡覺。哎哎~~~~
不行啊，如果以後要自己一個人住，自己一個人出外工作，這樣的身子不行啊。如果突然病倒，要怎麽辦？小病ok,大病誰來照顧我啊？很討厭。人爲什麽不能夠獨立呢？獨立就是什麽都可以自己來的意思啊。明明就是得依賴人，海死撐……哎哎~~~身體乖哦， 我知道很久沒帶你跑步了。okok,星期五以前你給我好起來，我帶你跑跑哦。
抱抱啦~~我要抱抱！
我生病的時候，很喜歡撒嬌。哈哈~~~同樣地，也喜歡語無倫次，瘋瘋癲癲。
01/10/2007 Crossing the LineI'm in the CLB right now. supposed to be reading my notes, but my eyelids are getting heavy. Z_Z
The past week(s?), I've been crossing lines, with people crossing on my lines too. And i'm beginning to see some new perspectives. More importantly, it's really proving what I believe to be true.
*************
haven't been into the cinema for a long time. so i sneaked out for a movie last tuesday. caught 881. real good stuff. i'm so into 一人一半.
Jibunjibuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.........
haha...:P
nice costumes and i really love the songs.
sometimes, i really wished i was better at my Hokkien. then i wouldn;t have to keep relying on the subtitles.
i crossed the line. i went for a movie alone. it's the first time i think, in a cinema. yeah.
i usually watch VCDs alone at home. but that's a little different i guess.
but hey, the feelings'.........well....not so much of a "sad & melancholic one".....
it's more like......
you'll start to miss somethings...some people....
and it makes me question myself,
just how did i end up in there all by myself?
haha...
***************
Crossing lines takes GUTS.
It's the consequences, really.
******************
So i advise, with that little less guts, maybe if you still want to cross some lines, at least, please,
arm yourselves with some incredible knowledge and wisdom.
Do NOt
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BE AN EXPERT.
(damn, i really don't remember the English Idiom here.)
千萬不要自作聰明，班門弄斧。
I was at a wedding dinner the other night. and somehow, i believe, in a mistake in the seating arrangements, i was mistakened to be 40 yrs and above. so i landed myself at some undesired table.
i found myself not only to be the youngest there, but to my amazement, i was the dart board.
darts came from all directions and in all sizes. for a moment, i think there were a few ARROWS.
thank goodness none of these dart-throwers were really experts in anything. but hey, if they were experts, we would be able to carry out some DECENT discussions and really learn from one another.
周桀倫我認識。我也認識周公，周易，周禮，你認識嗎？
（白癡）
新加坡不是沒有好的劇本，不知道你懂不懂說，好的劇本，就只在舞臺、戲院才看得到。如果《15》在平時的8點檔播出，你大概會破口大駡說世風日下，道德淪喪吧。
（拜托你，用用你的腦）
對了， 有空請看看戯吧。不然你很快就要變成戲子了。
（哈。我的嘴巴不懂得積德。）
是的，那首歌時齊豫唱的。是的，齊豫的聲音是這樣的。且慢，我說的是齊豫，你確定你想到的不是蔡琴？
Thank you for crossing that line so bravely. you had the guts, but you certainly underestimated some things. which includes the amount of stupidity you are capable of displaying.
謝謝看扁我。
（你知道我爲什麽是逆子嗎？）
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Crossing the line with guts and knowledge doesn't really guarantee you'll cross it right at the end of the day. Sometimes, you still end up wrong somewhere. maybe you crossed the wrong line. but having crossed it, at least, you now know, maybe , you shouldn't have crossed it at all.
No more next time.
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5 glasses of red wine, and i found myself at the brink of getting drunk. Conscious, definitely, but i couldn't quite walk straight.
Worse, effects surface after TOTAL DIGESTION.
是真的。
醉人吐真言。
我只能說，在意識清醒的情況下，對自己吐真言，很可怕。控制不了。
連哭的時候，胸口是緊緊的，悶悶的，很痛就是了。
可是這樣哭出來，還覺得很爽。
哈哈
（慕慕是個酒鬼，她會醉的哦）
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醉不可怕，可怕的是，不能清醒。
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20/09/2007 caught by surprisedarn! i'm so glad msn space's working at bullet speed today. i would've died if i didn't get to vomit out what i need to...
i was caught by surprise. i really never expected it. it was all too sudden. i was like, stunned and scared. so i logged off. then i logged in again. then it was gone. as suddenly as it appeared, the same way it disappeared.
i've got so many questions, so many things i want to tell, i want to ask, i want to say. but i lost my guts somewhere. i cant bear to do what i really want to. i'm so scared. i'm just so scared.
it's probably the most ambiguous blog ever. whatever.
but have you ever felt so contradicted and caught in a dilemma before?
when the words "welcome home" & "i wish u never came back" were like blending into one word " iwishuneverwelcomecamebackhome"......
things are probably gonna be the same for you. but things were never quite the same for me.it only got scarier and scarier.
* **** *** **** . * ****** **. * **** * ***** **** *** ** *** ****.* **** * ***** **** *** ****.
17/09/2007 OKi've been feeling so stressed-out lately, the past weekend was kind of like a complete torture and a real test of just how effective is "mind-over-matter" on me.
my family's right about me. they used to call me 睡美人 when i was young. yeah, maybe because i still looked cute until a certain age( sigh), because thereafter i was known as Miss Sleepasaurus(right). But the real reason was, if i don't catch enough sleep on a day-to-day basis, anything, ANYTHING can happen. and then i'll be forced to sleep, i'll be be forced to drop everything and anything that had to be done and go to bed.
the past week was kind of a killer. don't ask me why. the workload's the same. the amount of miscellaneous is also relatively the same.i guess i took it too hard upon myself. because i really wanted to do well, score well and basically excel, since i know what i'm capable of. there are some people i really wanna thrash this semester, and there are some things i wanna get even about, and there are some things i really prove wrong. all in two words- overly ambitious.
the result?
terrible terrible ulcer and sore swollen gums.
i couldn't eat or chew much. it was back to baby food. porridge, blended fruit mix, soft-boiled eggs......while everyone else could enjoy prawns, otak, chicken wings......rahz! for a person who loves to eat, it's really a torture.
i had no choice. by thursday, it was getting pretty bad. i was eating like a tortoise during lunch. haha.i was really thankful i'd finished by the time HY's friends came and took our table. quite paiseh......
i had no choice but to force myself to sleep on friday afternoon. but what good is it when it isn't quality sleep? sigh........i had bad dreams.....which meant i didn't really sleep at all. and that worsened the situation, cos my gums really really hurt that night. i was really on the verge of crying already. i was so darn hungry but i just couldn't swallow anything.
i had a whole full day of tuition on saturday. with that sore gums and ulcer, i'm amazed how i made it through 3 sessions. it hurt so much! i only managed to swallow 2 donuts for the whole day until dinner time. i didn't have much appetite but i was really weak and hungry by then.
having had such a bad few days, i was really thankful when my family was so understanding. i was quite shocked. because my elder sis kind of cracked jokes about her confinement( at the moment) and my dad was there with all his lame jokes to entertain me. and of course, mummy's remedy always works. i was forced to down TWO whole pears( those huge brown ones they call...雪梨）in one night. and the next morning i was well enough. THANK GOD! at least, i made it for sunday school and managed to teach the kids, although yes, my mouth still hurt. at the end of it all, i can only thank God for blessing me with my loved ones. the last thing i wanted was to have people rub anything else in. i would have broke down.
i think, i need to strike some balance somewhere. maybe i've been too hard on myself. maybe i tried to use work as an excuse. maybe, i'm expecting too much at one go. maybe, i really need to learn to let go a little. and just trust God. maybe i forgot i'm supposed to enjoy the whole process of learning.
Da jie was right, God already knows, and He's got it all planned. it's not about being pessimistic or overly submissive about my life, it's really about how much faith i have in Him. Nothing bad can come out of it. it's just me, who thinks that if i don't do it this way, i won't achieve what i want. not really, all roads lead to rome. and while some are destined to end up in rome, maybe He's destined me to end up somewhere else.
back to basics. i'm still finite and there's just a lot to learn about letting go. and so, it's really the art of 順其自然 , letting nature take its course. no doubt there are a lot of odds, but like salmons swimming upstream,overcoming odds are part of the course of nature as well. it's how determined i will be. it's how much mind i have over the matter. it's how much i believe. little by little, one step at a time. i'll get there.
10/09/2007 everything's gonna be ok, right? 星期一 · 紅色
不知道是什麽原因，就是覺得最近整個人很低落。可能是功課的壓力排山倒海而來，縂覺得自己快要倒下去了，縂覺得自己快要支撐不住了。可是我真得很想把這個學期搞好，很希望能夠順利地過關，甚至抱著成績或許能夠進步的希望。我真的很想在功課上有更好的成就。如果成績不好，未來就會很渺茫。可是我不能放棄，我一定要加油。那是我的夢想。
要不是遇上惹人討厭的老師，或許我會輕鬆一些。真的很看不順眼這些人。
“你們是存心要整死我們的嗎？”
我真的開始懷疑，所謂的大學教育的宗旨、師資、計劃……
學習，不是應該是一件快樂的事？爲什麽我竟然被這樣的制度搞得苦不堪言？這樣下來，還有什麽意義？
壓力，我很久沒有感覺到它的逼迫了。
我很想停下來，讓自己休息一下，可是周遭的人事物不允許我這麽做。
我感覺有些累。我感覺壓力。我想發洩。
誰說我堅強？屁啦……
我想有人能夠秀秀我，sayang我。
很想聼一句 "shhhhh.....everything's gonna be ok"之類的……
很想有人拍拍、抱抱
可能我把自己逼得太緊了，要求高了，所以現在無法負荷了，累了，快倒了，快垮了。
我只是想盡力、全力以赴、全心全意地學習。卻心有餘而力不足。
很煩。
可是我不能夠就這樣被打倒。
反彈吧，女孩！哈……
慕慕，我還是那句老話，順其自然
不要把自己逼得太緊了
你畢竟也是人
也需要休息
你本來就沒有比其他人聰明
你一向都是靠著努力和奮鬥熬過來的
你和別人不一樣
你是先鋒隊
打前綫
所以你的生命力很頑強
所以你有逆流的作風
你可以的
你要相信你自己
慢慢來
一點一滴慢慢來
你已經很不錯了
你要應付的那麽多
4年來，都是這樣
你可以的
你的夢想等著你
絕對不要放棄
絕對不要
去，好好休息
別忘了，你不是孤軍作戰
你可以的
相信自己
相信上帝
everything's gonna be ok.
唔，會沒事的
船到橋頭自然直
sometimes i wish i was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, then i won't have to fight so hard.
sometimes i wish, i was really a little bit more cleverer.
but there's always this huge contradiction and antagonistism going on. i don't want to fight so hard, but i still want to fight.
i don't even quite know my momentum now. everything's soooooo...........i dunno....just so much things to do.
i hate to give my slip-shod best.
sigh.
sometimes i wish i could just sleep, fall into a deep deep sleep and never wake up. sigh.
you know, how a ball falls to the ground? it has to hit this lowest point in velocity(?),before it really hits the ground, gains some new force to overcome zero, and then rebound back?
i think i'm hitting the ground soon. i only hope i rebound, and not shatter to pieces. i really hope so.
i just don't want to lose to myself.
i am my nemesis.
06/09/2007 and i hate these people and i hate these things!Thursday.Green.
********************
bad stuff
rants
***************
On Monday, we got condemned.
Seriously, I really don't understand. And all that i can conclude is.....
there are people with such stifled minds...
it scares me.
Because they are teachers.
And i'm going to be one.
Because another 1/4 of the class will be teachers too.
And we're going to be collegues.
爲什麽世界上會有這樣的人？
你知道什麽叫做開卷有益嗎？
你確定你清楚知道你的出題方式所要達到的目的真的能夠被達到嗎？
至少我們很清楚我們的立場，雖然到頭來還是被你搞錯了，雖然到頭來你還是誤會了
雖然到頭來你還是咬定我們是錯的。
衆人皆醉，衆人皆醉。
我是逆流，本來就沒有什麽好損失的。
但我真的很盼望你清醒的那一天，你覺悟的那一天。
請不要讓你的後代承受你造的孽。
你談皇民化、你談殖民、你談環境的逼迫
我徹底懷疑你的師資
我徹底懷疑你是否堅信你的立場
不，我徹底懷疑，你是否知道自己的立場是什麽。
你說你能夠出個好題目
但看你教書的方式
讓我懷疑。
什麽是“學”？什麽是“習”？
什麽是“學生”？什麽是“老師”？
請問，這些基本在那裏？
我很懷念臺灣的日子。因爲那短短的幾個月，我看透了很多。我學到了很多。我看到了真正的“老師”，也見證了真正的“學生”。我回來後立志當個“學生“，將來才能儅個真正的“老師”。孤掌難鳴。遇上這樣的情形，在怎麽想儅個“學生”，也會被看成是敗類、逆子。
我很擔心，將來我也會這樣看我的學生。
我不希望被“同化”。
我不希望成爲這裡的“人”。
很可怕，超級無敵可怕的。
**********************************
最近的心情不是很好。
本來稍微好轉一點。
突然，雞不拉鳥不屎的消息。
又來了。又是“這種”問題。
我又懷疑。
怎麽可能被稱爲是“頂尖大學”的某個部門，竟然會出現這種問題？
不要再叫我們頂尖大學了
我連站在外面說我是XX大學畢業的勇氣都沒有。
飛到外面去，才知道什麽是頂尖。
才知道，我們真得很爛。
就因爲有這樣的部門，有這樣的行政，有這樣的師資，有這樣的方式
我麽很“頂尖”。
（跟我大聲說：“我們是頂尖的！“）
屁啦！
你找得出50本岳飛的書
題目我做。
找不到，就請你用你的大腦想想
在擬定單題的時候
是不是要考慮一下
這樣會不會造成學習風氣不當
會不會拘束同學們的發揮空間
你的題目其實不難，也很容易，有意思
你既然想得出一個，就可以再想出多幾個吧
我相信， “你是最好的。因爲你來自頂尖大學。”
****************
所以，我又自作孽，又整了自己一次。
也沒有什麽好損失的
我本來就是逆子。
******************
毀我前程
死期將近
****************
原來，這叫做“大學”
原來，這叫做“頂尖”
原來，我們很“高級”
難怪，走在街上的都不過如此。
**********
真的
I HATE IT
***************
BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THIS
THAT'S THE REASON WHY I WILL MAKE IT
AND WHY YOU WON'T
********************
I USED TO HAVE A BADGE THAT READ:
"YOU LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT.
I LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL THE SAME"
SINCERELY, 逆子
02/09/2007 UPDATE UPDATEah, blogging in my wonderful purple!!!! yessssssssss....it's sunday.....AGAIN.....can time pass any faster than this? I'm serious....
ok, i really wanted to blog quite a few times this week...but...BUT! stooooopid MSN space always takes sooooooooo long to load....i'm beginning to doubt it's my Toshiba that's getting old and senile....sigh...anyways....what was i going to say?
ok, nothing much really, except we've booked our air tickets! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! lemme tell you..nothing excites me more than this!!!! 14.5 weeks....14.5 weeks....i keep telling everyone i know i'm DAMN EXCITED! and I REALLY AM!!!! the thought of going back for a trip...backpack...home-stays....the great books i'll be able to pick up....the great sights...my purple 101...my friends...my smelly beancurd....wooooooooooooah.............haha....never been so perked up man.....never been so motivated to work damn hard this sem.....ok..hopefully working hard will not give me reverse effects....i'm the kind of person who has some sort of shit in my life...就是命中帶屎， 總會有那種“無敵”的事情發生在我身上。ORZ.......i really want to see the trip as a reward....:) hee.....i am SO EXCITED! did i already tell u this?..not yet right? ok...i'll say it again..... I AM SO DARN EXCITED ABOUT GOING FOR A BACKPACK TRIP AND SEE MY PRETTY PURPLE 101!!!!!!!
ok. enough. stop.
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as usual....a lot of thinking....a lot of time to myself .....a lot of digestion.....a lot of thoughts....a lot of times i got lost....found myself back...and then got lost again...i kind of like it this way....as Decartes said..." i think therefore i am"......how much more true can it get? some wise guy.....
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這一個星期，我頻頻遇見很多舊同學、朋友。每次聊起來，都會說到以前的事情。可是，我看得見從前的樣子，卻找不到從前的我。我唯一真真實實感覺到、找得到的我，是離開這裡的那一天的哪一個早上。當大家緊緊擁抱著我、當爸爸說我長大了、當我向大家揮手say bye....似乎，也和那個時候的從前的一切揮手say bye. 回來後的我，再也找不到從前的那個“慕恩”。我想來想去，都沒有辦法理解爲什麽會這樣。就是，不知道爲什麽會找不到過去的自己。可能，過去我不曾活過。我不曾在現實中走過。我不過行屍走肉，沒有意識到存在。沒有意識到我自己真正存在。這個，讓我不安、害怕。前面的路還剩多少，我真的不知道。我只想每天真真實實地過。可是真實，其實很難捉摸……
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我差一點就開口要求了。我應該這樣做嗎？每次聽到心裏的小聲音，是你在提醒我要付出的代價嗎？那個聲音，是你嗎？我……應不應該那樣要求呢？我真的不敢，真的害怕……
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西藏，好玩嗎？
***********************
24/08/2007 -綠色……很少用綠色書寫部落格……換言之，很少星期四寫部落格……好像是第一次星期四有感……
（OS:干嘛浪費時間寫開場白？！？！？快點進入主題啦 ，白癡><)
昨天把 Before Sunrise 這部電影看完了。 印象讓我最深刻的，不只是男女主角之間的談話内容，其中一幕，真的牽動了我整顆心。來到 Taking Her Picture 這一幕，是他們快要分離的那個清晨。漫步在維也納的街道上，突然背景傳來了一首曲子。我覺得非常耳熟，立刻把聲量調高。
真的是這首。
巴哈的Goldberg Variation No. 25 (Adagio).這是我最喜歡的一首，在所有的 Variation 中，這首最牽動我的心。每次聼這首，整個人都會沉浸在一種莫名的情緒中，非常relax， 非常享受，同時又讓你覺得情緒會隨著豐富然後沉澱。是一種精神上的升華吧，才能讓我每次聼後，倍感滿足。
但是我聼的版本，是Rosalyn Tureck用鋼琴演奏的。但是電影裏的，是一位老爺爺用傳統的Harpsichord彈奏，那個旋律更是美妙。Baroque Period 的主要特點就是Harpsichord 的運用，所以巴哈的音樂那麽獨具一格。有些後悔小時候沒把鋼琴練好。還記得，我最愛彈奏巴哈的民謠曲子了。非常可愛的編曲，很活潑，民族風味濃厚，久久不能忘懷。
我不知道向我介紹這部片子的人知不知道，我最喜歡的演奏曲在裏面呢？我猜想，他大概不知道吧。雖然，我們都一樣喜歡No. 25。下個星期，我希望能夠看 Before Sunset.
勞老師 回信了。關於督導論文的問題，他說他會考慮。我希望，他真的能夠擔任我的導師。儅我說我需要一個真正懂得我的老師時，我確實沒有選錯勞老師。我說我喜歡哲學，喜歡發現自己。
他按照了我的名字和信仰，幫我設計了論文題目。當然，大綱和細節就輪到我了。但是他很棒，真的那麽 spot-on， 一想，就想到了我會喜歡嘗試的題目。老師，我只能再次對你說謝謝了。真的很感謝你。
最近想囘臺灣，囘台大念書的欲望、嚮往、似乎突然增加了很多。也不知道爲什麽。可能是上了臺灣現代小説的課程後，超級懷念柯慶銘教授的后現代主義小説課。也要畢業了，所以總得為未來打算一下。如果可以，我真的很希望日後回到那裏。不爲了什麽，而是單純地想在非常適合我，非常資深的老師們的督導下，讓自己更上一層樓。
因爲有了這個夢想，念書的衝勁會變大。真的很想努力，然最後的一年充實，讓自己得到最大的收穫。所以……我已經下定決心，就算被同學或老師列入黑名單，説是難纏的討厭鬼，我也豁出去了。只要有問題，就問！哈哈……
Anyway, no one will ever remember who i am......i'm just another elderly graduating.haha..last 2 semesters...i should be doing the "stupid things"...lest i regret...
剛才整理相簿本，突然閃過一個念頭：快門閃過，有些美麗再也捕捉不到了。我很慶幸，那時旅遊，我什麽都拍，也愛跟著感性隨心所欲地按下快門。很多，我都覺得美麗，儘管技術不是專業的，還是讓我看了會心一笑。這個才能勾起那些更美麗的回憶，這樣我才覺得值得，才不會後悔。
我是這樣想的啦。
Before Sunrise 的 Jesse 說 : " Because we are so near death, because everything we see is just an empty shell that will head towards death, we will all die one day, that makes everything we do everyday important and meaningful. It should be meaningful."
我只是想做有意義的事情。就是這樣。
19/08/2007 To Sum Things Upl love to blog on sundays...the blogging colour is purple!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeee......okies, in any case, it's been about a week since i last said anything or blogged anything....time flies..it's gonna be week 2 tomorrow and that means....in another 10-12 more weeks, i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and just to sum things up........
as usual, many things go on in my life...and much more goes on in the pea-wee brain...and here's my piece for the week......we'll start with sunday....
Yes, last sunday......
i had to discipline little I-V-A-N...he's a really smart boy, but a little active in class...so he pissed his friend off and as usual, i make him stay back to have a little talk with him.haha...i don't like to scold kids...i always believe in communication(more on that later). and kids say the darnest things...really...haha...we had negotiated and talked about what happened in class that morning and i was about to say my final conclusion and send him off to play when....suddenly, our conversation evolved into...
ME: 所以呢，老師希望下個星期你能夠有更好的表現，好不好？
IVAN: 可是哦，老師，我發現你有moustache...
ME: .............(5 secs)........對阿，這是上帝給我的阿。。。 =_="
kids..they really make me smile....i wasn't angry or upset at Ivan, he wasn't trying to tease me like adults do. It's just the curiousity and innocence in kids that make them say the things they say. haha...i can never quite understand why parents or guardians never bother to take a better look at the reasons behind the actions of children. A lot of times, scoldings and reprimands are just unecessary. Which is why i always stick to communication. Talk to the kids, talk WITH the kids. You think they don't understand you? They do! They really do! I had to talk to Belle today again, because her vandalism acts got worse this week. It started out with chairs, today, the scrawlings got to Joel's activity book! The class is being taught in Mandarin, so it was quite obvious i was going to talk to her in Mandarin. Her grandma was there, witnessing the "small talk" i had,until i got to this point....
ME:慧婷（Belle'sChinese name) ,以後做事情要小心，不然很容易就會出錯，像今天你不小心畫到了日匡的本子 。剛才你好像還沒有道歉……
grandma: oh dear, i don't think she understands what you are saying...
ME: (ignoring ANY presence of other ADULTS\OPINIONS)所以呢，現在你因該對日匡說什麽呢？
Belle: ( a clear 5 sec pause with no hints from me) 對不起。
and who said kids don't understand?papas & mamas out there, you should really learn to trust the teacher sometimes.
*****
Monday.....i discovered the power of smiles....people usually tell me i laugh crazily and even if i was real sane at that point of time, my laugh gave me away always...hahahah...but i got a really nice letter from Mr Potato, and until then, i never knew the other side of my smile....
*****
Tuesday....Lessons....and tears
******
Wednesday....lessons again....
******
thursday.....no school...but i slept my way through the day i think....hahaha...
******
friday....lessons...nice philo module....ah yes! i got drenched on the way to school! man....i thought the typhoon was supposed to be in TW?!?! i had to sit through lesson in a wet skirt! that was really ok....it's not hte first time i got wet on the way to school on rainy days...the bad thing is..whoever was the next person sitting down on the same seat i had...better restrict their imaginations.......and yes...tears again...
*****
sat........tuition, tuition and more tuition.
*****
today, sunday.
interesting question DK asked me during lunch.
DK's a nice person and mentor. Real nice to talk to. he's a relationship guru and thus, 十句不離老本行。
here's what he asked me.
DK: So, why do not see anything in Singaporean guys?
ME: Just give me a 3-minute conversation and I can tell you if they are my cup of tea.
DK: Are they seriously THAT bad?
ME: Tell a singaporean guy you want to fly and travel and see what response he gives you.
DK: oh yes, quite true....ok, then why are you so persistent on looking fo rone who can speak fluent chinese?
ME: erm, it's my passion and interest. I'm gonna be using this language 90% of the time in future, even now..if he can't understand a word i say, i don't think we're ever going to have any quality communication.
DK: so, what exactly are you looking for?
ME: another Me, in a guy form.
DK: booch?
ME: =_="
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that's all folks.
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11/08/2007 u take 22 for 2 ?today's blue...so unfortunate that i have to blog on something i'm mad at in this pretty colour...one of the best colours on Taipei 101...sigh...
i just read my email...and my dear MISSUS tells me that "due to re-allocation of our office, the payment wil be delayed.......we ensure that by early September ,latest....."
RIGHT!
really....are u trying to dupe a 22 (and older) year-old? do u take us as 2 year-olds?!...think harder boss...we are the future EOs...do u think..we are really that stupid?!!? do u think u can fool us with such a lousy excuse? with this, are we still supposed to rate u as one the most efficient organisations around? sorry...i was taught the virtue of being honest....so to be honest with you....
REALLY! i seriously do not see the link when you give me this reason. What's re-allocation of your office gotta do with the bank crediting what should be credited? pui! pui! i repeat! PUI! want it bigger? ok..
PUI!
really...not as if u are re-allocating my bank account. rahz! isn't it like a procedure that the bank goes through with you every half a year? aren't you supposed to have notify them on such matters like wayyyyyyyyy before hand....how come u guys adopt procrastination as well? aren't you supposed to set good examples for us? did u not mention that PROMPTNESS is always sooooo important? so how come you choose to delay and delay and delay and D-LAE?!?!?!? really, i thought the past I/Cs were bad enough already....now you! you prove to be the worst !
faint, just let me faint!
i have good grounds to cui and pui at you.
imagine this, if u, sitting in that office, realises that ur bigger boss will be paying u LATEr than USUAL, will you not fly into frenzy?!?! will u not curse and swear? u mean u dun see the dollar signs as attractive symbols?
i'm not trying to be money-minded here....but hey....i need to eat and stay alive rite? u mean i dun need to buy concession to go to school? u mean i dun need to buy textbooks and print notes? halllllllooooooo......
plan-thwarters...spoilers...rahz!
so much for ur lame rules and regulations when u dun even keep to ur promises.....
u and ur SOPs....( Standard-of-Procedure or Slow-On-Payment? u pick...)
see, i told u i hate adults.
**************************
wa, venting it out sure helps.
**************************
sigh......this is ONLY the beginning... of SOPs that will never end....
u recall the tune from Lamb Chops Play-along? it's the one farnie puppet show i watched till it stopped running when i was in secondary school.....it's farnie...but it sure makes sense in many ways....here's the song i always la-la to when things dun end when it should....i changed the lyrics this time...
this is the SOPs that doesn't end
yes it goes on and on my fren
some people, started doing it not knowing wad it does
and they'll continue doing it forever just becos...
this is the SOPs that doesn't end.....
yes it goes on and on my fren..............
............................................ 08/08/2007 where is it?!?!damn. my boss is slow again. where is my KKKK?!?!?!
i seriously hope *fingers crossed and toes thrown in too, i could cross my eyes too man* the KKKK will come on friday. c'mon, school's starting. i need to photocopy notes, i need to buy textbooks, i need to buy my concession.
most importantly, i want to buy my air tickets la!!!!!!
07/08/2007 DEATH奶奶走了。我也不清楚她是不是走得福氣……
子女都成家立業。兒孫滿堂。
不是任何病因，而是年歲已到。
沒有掙扎，安詳地在睡夢中這樣走了。
享年94嵗。
如果以上是定義福氣的標準，那麼就是算福氣。瞑目與否，我還真的不敢下什麽結論。
I'm always skeptical about things. Especially when it concerns life.
我看見了很多的醜陋。我目睹了人心的麻木不仁。突然閒我害怕了。
我討厭大人。
更恐懼，因爲我屬於這分類裏的一分子。我卻討厭大人。原來，不想長大的心情是這樣的。很害怕，如果有一天，我也這樣醜陋。
我領悟到醜陋。也領悟到，有些事情，早點作交代，越清楚越好。如果在臨走前都不能安靜一點，我寧願死的時候，死的那一刻，沒有人發現我。
一個人自己來，一個人自己走開。
懂事了，可以開始交代了。事事難測。搞不好，我沒有70年的時間準備。還是趁早吧。
**********
Conscience is like a muscle. Not using it will only weaken it.
Jostien Gaarder, "Sophie's World"
**********
02/08/2007 flying high picked my parents up from the airport this morning at about 1am plus.
i'm so glad they are back:). I miss them, their presence is always a mixture of feelings for me. It's protaganistic and antagonistic at the same time. haha...but if u ask me....i would rather have them around.
it's been the 4th time hanging around the airport in a span of about 40 days. each time, it still kills.
thankfully, no departure flights to TPE or arrival flights from TPE in the middle of the night. if i'd seen any, i think it's gonna make me real sad again. each time i stand before the belts, waiting for people to exit or check-in, in any case, as long as i'm in the airport and i see people dragging their luggage all over, this is what goes through in my mind:
FLY ME BACK.
maybe it's fly me back to TPE, maybe it's fly me back in time. whatever the case, i think i'm still trying to bring the past into the present, which, really, can't be done. so at the end of it all, i always feel stupid.
明明知道是不可能的，卻還是那麽地死心眼。
and then i saw all the air stewardess. and it suddenly dawned on me that, maybe it's one of the careers i can include in my post-4-year plan. haha.
i dunno man. 150cm might be a real tight consideration. but if i have to be honest, i've seen air stewardess just that wee bit taller than i am. but really, it's one of the fastest way of flying up high and far. i speak good chinese. i really wouldn't mind serving on flights toward certain destinations. really, i really WOULDN'T mind if i'm made to fly to TPE almost on every roster days.
There's just one problem. 5 years from now. i really dunno if they take in old damsels. haha.flying at 27 is a little old....considering quite a lot of air stewardess retire at close to 35 after a good 10-year service. i hope my stats are accurate at time of blogging. haha...
everytime i see a plane fly right above my head, i get that sting in my heart. i seriously have this problem. it's been there for a long time. a good 7 months. long time? yeah, it sure is.
just how long is a long time?
is that why we have the saying a day could feel like donkey years? poor donkeys...
一日不見如隔三秋。所以秋天的時間都比較長咯？
i'm really looking forward to flying back in december. please God, let nothing stand in the way. i have to go back. i have to...... 01/08/2007 想不到的標題想不到什麽標題，想不到什麽主題。今天的entry，大概是這幾天累積起來的，只是想抒發抒發一下。
昨天HY來我家“避難”。哈哈。偶爾有人陪著度過一個寧靜的下午，感覺也真的不錯。一起聊天，一起看書。沒有瘋瘋癲癲，確實另一種的享受。HY, you are more than welcomed to drop by anytime k...:) love to have you as company. :)
有時候，一個認真的會很寂寞。不是不ok,一切真的ok， 只是那種孤寂的感受，偶爾還是會偷偷地襲擊啊。再怎麽說，真的還是孤零零的一個人。可是一切真的是 ok的，就是輕鬆自在，隨心所欲。可是在某個程度上，還是會覺得alone. 不是lonely,是alone. 我總是覺得兩者有所分別。而且其中的落差是很大的。
總之，矛盾就是了。哎~~~
昨天跑步。隨性地，隋心地，來到某個轉角、紅綠燈、行人到，按照當下的直覺，順著它跑出了新的路缐。路程延長了，但是跑步的時間限制仍是20分鐘。後來我心血來潮，作了一項“創舉”。我爬樓梯回家。哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！這個哦，我住得不是很高啦，不過這樣繞圈圈一只往上爬，之前的經驗告訴我我找死。哈哈……可是昨天爬了，我竟然一點感覺也沒有。*驚 *O_O! 除了有些暈頭轉向外，氣喘也不會，腳也不會酸痛。我真地在懷疑。我的肌肉是不是除了問題？！？！？？！？！我爬到家時 ，第一個閃過的念頭是“哇靠！那麽快嗎？“
哎~~~
昨天跑步還有點特別。平時聽的歌，都是節奏快的，就是會讓血沸騰起來的阿。哈哈。這樣才能 psycho自己往前沖嘛。可是昨天我竟讓聽著稍稍悲情的音樂跑步！ O_O!!!! 哈哈！
張震嶽的新歌。 思念是一種病。你說有個女孩。
不知道，兩首歌都嘗盡了我的心坎。很感人，不能擺脫那個旋律和歌詞。playlist 裏面，就是這兩首歌，不停地 repeat. 本來還有其他幾首在播放列表中，都被我刪除了。不是味道就是不是味道。勉強聽只會還我速度減慢。哈哈。感覺，昨天跑步是種發洩。
昨晚很累。不到 10分鐘就睡着了。
I've been thinking a lot about you. There doesn't seem to be anything really good about you. That's what i gathered. So what is it that I can't let go? This I really cannot figure out. Somehow, this trip back this december, i kinda figured and decided. i think it's gonna be one of those closure trips. hopefully, when i see you, i can find some reason to give up. most importantly, to forget. really, there doesn't seem to be anything good or worth the while to keep it there. so, why am i finding it hard to let go?
but then again, if liking a person , was all about the "goodness" part, i doubt it's really liking. it's not always rosy. you get the rain, you get the sunshine. i'm kinda confused all over again. do i really like you? is it really "like", or am i just trying to convince myself i lost to someone else?
我真的喜歡你嗎？也説不上是喜歡。很複雜。真的很複雜。但我只能說，最近的這兩首歌，真的是我心裏的感受。真的是雷同。
也許是上帝給我的一個試煉， 只是這個傷口需要花一點時間。
思念是一種病。
兩天的小插曲，算不算是愛情。
！#￥！·%#￥……—*#￥#·￥
sorry, i had to curse. haha. what else to say?
還有一首歌。就是ok.
習慣了就ok.
i've been looking up at that sky. u know how those clouds move in large pieces? sometimes i really wonder, just how strong is the wind up there. hey, 1kg of fluff and 1 kg of lead, is still 1 kg u know. and here we are, at the bottom of the whole thing, enjoying our breeze. just how BIG is the wind up there? sometimes, i wish i could live to see that power. but i stop short in my tracks. maybe not such a good idea. but hey, how else will i know it unless i go through it? anyway, it's not up to me. i might or might not go through it. not i decide. though i really wonder. faculty of wonder. if only i could graduate from this faculty. it's gonna make my life a real one tonne easier.
ok，休息一下吧。太多廢話了。
reminder to self: u still have 2 more things u have to think about. one about what people has been calling u. one about what kevin made you think about.
30/07/2007 你說有個女孩那一年，那一天的故事……是這樣的……
***
你说有个女孩有了隐形的羽翼
一点点的雀斑和发亮的眼睛 世界左右我心单纯又善解人意 哦~~一颗赤子之心 你说你分不清和她模糊的关系 拥抱的那一刻却是即将要离去 一个短暂相遇两天的小插曲 哦~~算不算是爱情 往机场的公路上默默不语 车窗外的景色充斥着信心 就像一场电影一幕幕在播映 登机前你不断向前 当飞机在夜空中持续飞行 也渴望它在你那梦里飞行 你想去他说清解释爱的意义 你说你不会往前 oh~~~~ 你说你分不清和他模糊的关系 拥抱的那一刻却是即将要离去 一个短暂相遇两天的小插曲 哦~~算不算是爱情 算不算是爱情 算不算是爱情 往机场的公路上默默不语 车窗外的景色充斥着信心 就象一场电影一幕幕在播映 登机前你不断向前 当飞机在夜空中持续飞行 也渴望它在你那梦里飞行 你想去他说清解释爱的意义 你说你不会往前 往机场的公路上默默不语 车窗外的景色充斥着信心 就象一场电影一幕幕在播映 登机前你不断向前 当飞机在夜空中持续飞行 也渴望它在你那梦里飞行 你想去他说清解释爱的意义 張震岳《你說有個女孩》
如有雷同，非屬虛構。
27/07/2007 recently....ok, recently, i've been doing a lot of stuff on my own. ermz...spending time with myself...and my mind...yes...just a quick one...on the past week....i know..i haven't blogged for a long time...not my fault ok...msn space takes super long to load sometimes...
ok la...i admit it...there were days i just felt like being left alone...wanting to be alone...away from all civilisation and human activity....like i said...because i wanted to spend time with my mind...
ok....i finally got the cheesecake recipe i wanted..and i've been coming up with a few of my own...
went to Giles' place last sunday...wah...his mushroom soup and hokkien mee was quite tok gong lor...
ok...then...wah...lemme recall ah...erm...monday went for tuition....tues stay at home the whole day and emo...ya..will tell u more on the emo part...ah yes...finally completed Book 1 of taiwan trip photos...ya la..i'm tortoise..i know...back for so long liao then do...kaoz...if u know how it feels to see those photos ah...u will know why i took so long to complete book 1...will start on book 2 probably next week....given the speed i'm going....haha...i think i'll finish it just in time for my next trip there...hahah...which is....in DEC!!!!!
ok..wed was tuition day ...
thurs...ah..suleyman came from TW...so we went out touring S'pore...this one i will blog with the pics la...wait ah...one by one..
ok...this weekend is Tiger Ong's project week...so i must be a good girl tmr and read 雪山飛狐。faintz!Why cannot read something else like.........like.........ok, nvm...u ask me what better options there are...i really also at a lost.....
been watching 走向共和 lately...and i can only say....IT"S DAMN NICE! ya ya...this one i will also blog soon...wah...suddenly...i owe myself a lot of blogs leh....faintz.....ok....nvm....blog or dun blog actually also the same la....still talk kock here and there...haha...
of u ask me ...or rather...if i ask myself...what's the one constant thing that didn't change this whole time....
i can only tell u......
i kept thinking....and thinking and thinking...about a lot of things...when i sort them out...i will tell la...
告訴我，爲什麽我那麽在乎……你我只是想說
4個字
我好想你
然後問4個字
你想我嗎？
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告訴我
告訴我
告訴我
爲什麽我那麽在乎你？！
我討厭你我討厭你我討厭你！
19/07/2007 ASL......HA!yes, i finally kind of remembered something i wanna talk about. ASL......this thing with ASL. for those of you who used certain public chat rooms before....i bet you know what ASL stand for. for those of you who don't:
Age
Sex
Location
and that's the VERY FIRST thing u see whenever those private messages pop up. i got so fed up and irritated. if it was not for that survey, really......i would have cursed and swore at such boring openings. i mean, it's just soooooooo darn irritating. nothing new? ran out of vocabulary ? or are you just sooooo desparate for information?
sigh........pathetic...yes...i consider it pure pathetic-ness. i was really so fed-up and pissed off with the ASL lines that everytime i see people using it right from the start of a conversation, i would just close all windows. c'mon, you should have better brighter ideas and something less stupid.if you could be THAT smart to even use the chat rooms to "make friends" and "get to know each other" . even if the person started with a "hi" or "hello", the moment i see ASL, i close the window.
then this struck me. let's play along. so to all the ASL-users, i gave this reply:
Were u not taught manners? don't u know that when you want some info from the other party, it's only basic courtesy to introduce yourself first?
they say, i think you are funny, can i be your friend?
so, you really think i was funny? i meant it. i'm serious.
oh sorry.
yes, sorry, bye. (report as spam)
ha!
that's not the only irritating stint while in public chat rooms. reply one second slow and u get buzzed or nudged or whatever....u just get knocked on the window.HARD.i hate it! it's not as if i'm really so free to chat with you. and what makes you think that you're the ONLY one i'm talking to. if i could tell u buddy, i would tell u i'm like on an undercover mission, trying to "enjoy" my chat when i really don't.....sighhh....
look, i only got one keyboard, 2 hands and 10 fingers. typing any faster will end me up with 9 fingers. and that will only make me reply u slower than i already was. so u decide, to be a little more patient, or wait much longer in the queue.
whoever said that chatting in the public chat rooms were fun.
seriously, it's not fun. i repeat, NOT fun.
it's really a whole lot of harrassement.
if there's one good reason to dissuade anyone, please, it's not quite the safety issue. but poor pick-up lines.
how interesting can the conversation get when your pick-up line has only 3 letters. bear this in mind, SHIT/ DAMN (my limits) has at least 4 letters.
and you still choose to do worse than 4-letter words.
that gives you(deservingly) one black star with no corners.
ha.
17/07/2007 最愛時刻最愛自己一個人呆在家裏，不受外界干擾。想做什麽就做什麽。
今天是平平靜靜地過去了。不能說很開心，只能說滿足。能夠完成心裏計劃好的一些事情，就是那滿足感。
早上，哦不，應該說是下午，睡到自然醒，吃了午餐，看看報紙，然後剪報。好久沒有剪報了。我從國中的時候就有剪報的習慣。只要是我喜歡的文章或報導，我都會一一剪下，然後收錄在剪報本裏。聼起來可能好笑，或無聊。但是，我覺得這樣的一個習慣不錯。就是，在需要的時候，手上有些相關的資料縂好過得從零開始。研究也好、作業等、補習的資料輔助，我比較喜歡做好準備。有將近一年沒有剪報了。去年的這個時候，就忙著到臺灣去，到了臺灣完全忘了這個習慣。真可笑。想想，還蠻後悔的，沒有涉略一下當地的報刊。阿，有啦，娛樂流行雜誌。哈哈……畢竟，首次過秋冬，總得知道穿什麽比較好，對吧？愛美無罪！打扮有理！嘻嘻~~~~
然後，收拾整理房子。嘻嘻~~~亂七八糟的，再不收，就變成垃圾曹了啦！
煮了綠豆湯。
跑步。哦耶！我的速度快了哦！原本的路程要跑20分鐘，最近時間縮短了，大概12-15分鐘就可以完成了。不過捏。。。這代表我必須開始延長路綫了。阿~~~~*暈倒 *
吃了晚飯，就看了5折目的《牡丹亭》。HY借我很久了，一直沒時間靜靜地坐下來看。哎~~~~終于！還不錯哦，好漂亮的戯服哦！如果你問我，我覺得春香很Q~~~~~哈哈。。。真的很可愛！尤其那個上學堂的一幕，超搞笑！真的是活靈活現！調皮，調皮，再調皮！
現在，要來改作業了。準備明天家教的一些資料。然後，希望能夠早睡一點。睡覺之前，再看看書。恩。
我的一天。充實的一天。
Let me tell you what i really like about staying at home. All by myself.
有個自己的空間，我必須聲明，這確實包括了自己的具體空間。現在住的雖然是哥哥的房子，不過至少，在一定的形式上，因爲暫時看家，所以在這裡，我說了算。哈哈。我可以把音樂開得超大聲；我可以管理冰箱可以放什麽，不可以放什麽（嚴禁汽水！尤其可樂！歡迎酒類！啊！我是酒鬼！）；我可以穿清涼些，不穿也可以（當然我不會這樣。哈哈！會這樣的大概只有和我住在一起的那只鬼。），還是可以整個屋子走趴趴；我有自己的睡房，想怎樣就怎樣；不必排隊爭廁所；不必爭遙控器；不必聼不想聼的。很霸道，會吧？哦！珍惜吧！好景不長在。明年的這個時候，我就無家可歸了。露宿遠方的某一棟樓的某一閒房。哎~~~
it's my space. my world.
一個人的空間，可以讓我的腦筋清靜一些。我可以遠離一切，暫時“與世隔絕”，避開城市的擾亂，可以對我的世界以外的置之不理。我可以好好地想想自己最近的生活，反省一些事情，整理思緒，安定情緒。我可以充實自己。充電。這是我所謂的休息。我總覺得，這樣的空間，是必要的。這纔是健康的生活吧。我不是那種能夠長期周旋在吵雑的花花都市中、在擁擠的人潮中和大家爭個呼吸的空間。日子窮一些，沒關係。辛苦一點也ok.只要偶爾讓我退縮到自己的小小世界中，享受一下寧靜和自由，我是ok的。就是要有能夠好好休息的時間啦。各從其志。我不喜歡過分參與庸庸碌碌的生活習慣。沒有精神。沒有靈魂。
當然，還是有那些時刻，突然覺得自己很寂寞，孤單。很希望能夠有人陪。不過，想到可能將來就沒有這樣的生活了，就會更加珍惜每一次的這樣的一天，屬於自己的一天。
放慢腳步，聼聼自己的心跳，自己和自己説話。我喜歡我的世界。我喜歡我的自由。真的很滿足。
*****
以下題外話
*****
收拾房子的時候，收到一些東西
突然又勾起了很多回憶
想念的時候
該怎麽辦？
不能怎麽辦
有勇氣去讓它在腦海裏打轉
縱比逃避好
逃避就好像是麻醉葯
下次的想念，只會讓你更痛苦
所以，我剛剛的結論是這樣的：
想念的時候，怎麽辦？
不能怎麽辦
就，想到哭
哭了過後，睡一覺
就沒事了。
******
希望你口試順利通過
很快的
我們就要失去聯絡一陣子了
也很快的
希望能夠見到你
收集你的故事和精彩
等我們見面的時候
請你在給我說書
好嗎？
******
14/07/2007 一個人的詩界沒有打錯字
最近打算避開網路世界
覺得，過分沉浸在虛擬世界中
整個人好像上癮了
情緒浮躁
所以放工後、結束一天的忙碌後
自己一個人躲在房裏
看書、聼音樂
是一種享受
不僅睡得好， 隔天早上精神也很不錯
最近的枕邊書是 蘇軾的詞選
背起一兩首
不停咀嚼回味
感觸很深
******************
如果日後的你和我
在每天的忙碌結束後
能夠一起窩在家中
閲讀詩詞
感覺應該會不錯吧
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