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20/09/2007 caught by surprisedarn! i'm so glad msn space's working at bullet speed today. i would've died if i didn't get to vomit out what i need to...
i was caught by surprise. i really never expected it. it was all too sudden. i was like, stunned and scared. so i logged off. then i logged in again. then it was gone. as suddenly as it appeared, the same way it disappeared.
i've got so many questions, so many things i want to tell, i want to ask, i want to say. but i lost my guts somewhere. i cant bear to do what i really want to. i'm so scared. i'm just so scared.
it's probably the most ambiguous blog ever. whatever.
but have you ever felt so contradicted and caught in a dilemma before?
when the words "welcome home" & "i wish u never came back" were like blending into one word " iwishuneverwelcomecamebackhome"......
things are probably gonna be the same for you. but things were never quite the same for me.it only got scarier and scarier.
* **** *** **** . * ****** **. * **** * ***** **** *** ** *** ****.* **** * ***** **** *** ****.
17/09/2007 OKi've been feeling so stressed-out lately, the past weekend was kind of like a complete torture and a real test of just how effective is "mind-over-matter" on me.
my family's right about me. they used to call me 睡美人 when i was young. yeah, maybe because i still looked cute until a certain age( sigh), because thereafter i was known as Miss Sleepasaurus(right). But the real reason was, if i don't catch enough sleep on a day-to-day basis, anything, ANYTHING can happen. and then i'll be forced to sleep, i'll be be forced to drop everything and anything that had to be done and go to bed.
the past week was kind of a killer. don't ask me why. the workload's the same. the amount of miscellaneous is also relatively the same.i guess i took it too hard upon myself. because i really wanted to do well, score well and basically excel, since i know what i'm capable of. there are some people i really wanna thrash this semester, and there are some things i wanna get even about, and there are some things i really prove wrong. all in two words- overly ambitious.
the result?
terrible terrible ulcer and sore swollen gums.
i couldn't eat or chew much. it was back to baby food. porridge, blended fruit mix, soft-boiled eggs......while everyone else could enjoy prawns, otak, chicken wings......rahz! for a person who loves to eat, it's really a torture.
i had no choice. by thursday, it was getting pretty bad. i was eating like a tortoise during lunch. haha.i was really thankful i'd finished by the time HY's friends came and took our table. quite paiseh......
i had no choice but to force myself to sleep on friday afternoon. but what good is it when it isn't quality sleep? sigh........i had bad dreams.....which meant i didn't really sleep at all. and that worsened the situation, cos my gums really really hurt that night. i was really on the verge of crying already. i was so darn hungry but i just couldn't swallow anything.
i had a whole full day of tuition on saturday. with that sore gums and ulcer, i'm amazed how i made it through 3 sessions. it hurt so much! i only managed to swallow 2 donuts for the whole day until dinner time. i didn't have much appetite but i was really weak and hungry by then.
having had such a bad few days, i was really thankful when my family was so understanding. i was quite shocked. because my elder sis kind of cracked jokes about her confinement( at the moment) and my dad was there with all his lame jokes to entertain me. and of course, mummy's remedy always works. i was forced to down TWO whole pears( those huge brown ones they call...雪梨）in one night. and the next morning i was well enough. THANK GOD! at least, i made it for sunday school and managed to teach the kids, although yes, my mouth still hurt. at the end of it all, i can only thank God for blessing me with my loved ones. the last thing i wanted was to have people rub anything else in. i would have broke down.
i think, i need to strike some balance somewhere. maybe i've been too hard on myself. maybe i tried to use work as an excuse. maybe, i'm expecting too much at one go. maybe, i really need to learn to let go a little. and just trust God. maybe i forgot i'm supposed to enjoy the whole process of learning.
Da jie was right, God already knows, and He's got it all planned. it's not about being pessimistic or overly submissive about my life, it's really about how much faith i have in Him. Nothing bad can come out of it. it's just me, who thinks that if i don't do it this way, i won't achieve what i want. not really, all roads lead to rome. and while some are destined to end up in rome, maybe He's destined me to end up somewhere else.
back to basics. i'm still finite and there's just a lot to learn about letting go. and so, it's really the art of 順其自然 , letting nature take its course. no doubt there are a lot of odds, but like salmons swimming upstream,overcoming odds are part of the course of nature as well. it's how determined i will be. it's how much mind i have over the matter. it's how much i believe. little by little, one step at a time. i'll get there.
10/09/2007 everything's gonna be ok, right? 星期一 · 紅色
不知道是什麽原因，就是覺得最近整個人很低落。可能是功課的壓力排山倒海而來，縂覺得自己快要倒下去了，縂覺得自己快要支撐不住了。可是我真得很想把這個學期搞好，很希望能夠順利地過關，甚至抱著成績或許能夠進步的希望。我真的很想在功課上有更好的成就。如果成績不好，未來就會很渺茫。可是我不能放棄，我一定要加油。那是我的夢想。
要不是遇上惹人討厭的老師，或許我會輕鬆一些。真的很看不順眼這些人。
“你們是存心要整死我們的嗎？”
我真的開始懷疑，所謂的大學教育的宗旨、師資、計劃……
學習，不是應該是一件快樂的事？爲什麽我竟然被這樣的制度搞得苦不堪言？這樣下來，還有什麽意義？
壓力，我很久沒有感覺到它的逼迫了。
我很想停下來，讓自己休息一下，可是周遭的人事物不允許我這麽做。
我感覺有些累。我感覺壓力。我想發洩。
誰說我堅強？屁啦……
我想有人能夠秀秀我，sayang我。
很想聼一句 "shhhhh.....everything's gonna be ok"之類的……
很想有人拍拍、抱抱
可能我把自己逼得太緊了，要求高了，所以現在無法負荷了，累了，快倒了，快垮了。
我只是想盡力、全力以赴、全心全意地學習。卻心有餘而力不足。
很煩。
可是我不能夠就這樣被打倒。
反彈吧，女孩！哈……
慕慕，我還是那句老話，順其自然
不要把自己逼得太緊了
你畢竟也是人
也需要休息
你本來就沒有比其他人聰明
你一向都是靠著努力和奮鬥熬過來的
你和別人不一樣
你是先鋒隊
打前綫
所以你的生命力很頑強
所以你有逆流的作風
你可以的
你要相信你自己
慢慢來
一點一滴慢慢來
你已經很不錯了
你要應付的那麽多
4年來，都是這樣
你可以的
你的夢想等著你
絕對不要放棄
絕對不要
去，好好休息
別忘了，你不是孤軍作戰
你可以的
相信自己
相信上帝
everything's gonna be ok.
唔，會沒事的
船到橋頭自然直
sometimes i wish i was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, then i won't have to fight so hard.
sometimes i wish, i was really a little bit more cleverer.
but there's always this huge contradiction and antagonistism going on. i don't want to fight so hard, but i still want to fight.
i don't even quite know my momentum now. everything's soooooo...........i dunno....just so much things to do.
i hate to give my slip-shod best.
sigh.
sometimes i wish i could just sleep, fall into a deep deep sleep and never wake up. sigh.
you know, how a ball falls to the ground? it has to hit this lowest point in velocity(?),before it really hits the ground, gains some new force to overcome zero, and then rebound back?
i think i'm hitting the ground soon. i only hope i rebound, and not shatter to pieces. i really hope so.
i just don't want to lose to myself.
i am my nemesis.
06/09/2007 and i hate these people and i hate these things!Thursday.Green.
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bad stuff
rants
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On Monday, we got condemned.
Seriously, I really don't understand. And all that i can conclude is.....
there are people with such stifled minds...
it scares me.
Because they are teachers.
And i'm going to be one.
Because another 1/4 of the class will be teachers too.
And we're going to be collegues.
爲什麽世界上會有這樣的人？
你知道什麽叫做開卷有益嗎？
你確定你清楚知道你的出題方式所要達到的目的真的能夠被達到嗎？
至少我們很清楚我們的立場，雖然到頭來還是被你搞錯了，雖然到頭來你還是誤會了
雖然到頭來你還是咬定我們是錯的。
衆人皆醉，衆人皆醉。
我是逆流，本來就沒有什麽好損失的。
但我真的很盼望你清醒的那一天，你覺悟的那一天。
請不要讓你的後代承受你造的孽。
你談皇民化、你談殖民、你談環境的逼迫
我徹底懷疑你的師資
我徹底懷疑你是否堅信你的立場
不，我徹底懷疑，你是否知道自己的立場是什麽。
你說你能夠出個好題目
但看你教書的方式
讓我懷疑。
什麽是“學”？什麽是“習”？
什麽是“學生”？什麽是“老師”？
請問，這些基本在那裏？
我很懷念臺灣的日子。因爲那短短的幾個月，我看透了很多。我學到了很多。我看到了真正的“老師”，也見證了真正的“學生”。我回來後立志當個“學生“，將來才能儅個真正的“老師”。孤掌難鳴。遇上這樣的情形，在怎麽想儅個“學生”，也會被看成是敗類、逆子。
我很擔心，將來我也會這樣看我的學生。
我不希望被“同化”。
我不希望成爲這裡的“人”。
很可怕，超級無敵可怕的。
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最近的心情不是很好。
本來稍微好轉一點。
突然，雞不拉鳥不屎的消息。
又來了。又是“這種”問題。
我又懷疑。
怎麽可能被稱爲是“頂尖大學”的某個部門，竟然會出現這種問題？
不要再叫我們頂尖大學了
我連站在外面說我是XX大學畢業的勇氣都沒有。
飛到外面去，才知道什麽是頂尖。
才知道，我們真得很爛。
就因爲有這樣的部門，有這樣的行政，有這樣的師資，有這樣的方式
我麽很“頂尖”。
（跟我大聲說：“我們是頂尖的！“）
屁啦！
你找得出50本岳飛的書
題目我做。
找不到，就請你用你的大腦想想
在擬定單題的時候
是不是要考慮一下
這樣會不會造成學習風氣不當
會不會拘束同學們的發揮空間
你的題目其實不難，也很容易，有意思
你既然想得出一個，就可以再想出多幾個吧
我相信， “你是最好的。因爲你來自頂尖大學。”
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所以，我又自作孽，又整了自己一次。
也沒有什麽好損失的
我本來就是逆子。
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毀我前程
死期將近
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原來，這叫做“大學”
原來，這叫做“頂尖”
原來，我們很“高級”
難怪，走在街上的都不過如此。
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真的
I HATE IT
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BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THIS
THAT'S THE REASON WHY I WILL MAKE IT
AND WHY YOU WON'T
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I USED TO HAVE A BADGE THAT READ:
"YOU LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT.
I LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL THE SAME"
SINCERELY, 逆子
02/09/2007 UPDATE UPDATEah, blogging in my wonderful purple!!!! yessssssssss....it's sunday.....AGAIN.....can time pass any faster than this? I'm serious....
ok, i really wanted to blog quite a few times this week...but...BUT! stooooopid MSN space always takes sooooooooo long to load....i'm beginning to doubt it's my Toshiba that's getting old and senile....sigh...anyways....what was i going to say?
ok, nothing much really, except we've booked our air tickets! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! lemme tell you..nothing excites me more than this!!!! 14.5 weeks....14.5 weeks....i keep telling everyone i know i'm DAMN EXCITED! and I REALLY AM!!!! the thought of going back for a trip...backpack...home-stays....the great books i'll be able to pick up....the great sights...my purple 101...my friends...my smelly beancurd....wooooooooooooah.............haha....never been so perked up man.....never been so motivated to work damn hard this sem.....ok..hopefully working hard will not give me reverse effects....i'm the kind of person who has some sort of shit in my life...就是命中帶屎， 總會有那種“無敵”的事情發生在我身上。ORZ.......i really want to see the trip as a reward....:) hee.....i am SO EXCITED! did i already tell u this?..not yet right? ok...i'll say it again..... I AM SO DARN EXCITED ABOUT GOING FOR A BACKPACK TRIP AND SEE MY PRETTY PURPLE 101!!!!!!!
ok. enough. stop.
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as usual....a lot of thinking....a lot of time to myself .....a lot of digestion.....a lot of thoughts....a lot of times i got lost....found myself back...and then got lost again...i kind of like it this way....as Decartes said..." i think therefore i am"......how much more true can it get? some wise guy.....
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這一個星期，我頻頻遇見很多舊同學、朋友。每次聊起來，都會說到以前的事情。可是，我看得見從前的樣子，卻找不到從前的我。我唯一真真實實感覺到、找得到的我，是離開這裡的那一天的哪一個早上。當大家緊緊擁抱著我、當爸爸說我長大了、當我向大家揮手say bye....似乎，也和那個時候的從前的一切揮手say bye. 回來後的我，再也找不到從前的那個“慕恩”。我想來想去，都沒有辦法理解爲什麽會這樣。就是，不知道爲什麽會找不到過去的自己。可能，過去我不曾活過。我不曾在現實中走過。我不過行屍走肉，沒有意識到存在。沒有意識到我自己真正存在。這個，讓我不安、害怕。前面的路還剩多少，我真的不知道。我只想每天真真實實地過。可是真實，其實很難捉摸……
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我差一點就開口要求了。我應該這樣做嗎？每次聽到心裏的小聲音，是你在提醒我要付出的代價嗎？那個聲音，是你嗎？我……應不應該那樣要求呢？我真的不敢，真的害怕……
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西藏，好玩嗎？
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