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24/08/2007 -綠色……很少用綠色書寫部落格……換言之，很少星期四寫部落格……好像是第一次星期四有感……
（OS:干嘛浪費時間寫開場白？！？！？快點進入主題啦 ，白癡><)
昨天把 Before Sunrise 這部電影看完了。 印象讓我最深刻的，不只是男女主角之間的談話内容，其中一幕，真的牽動了我整顆心。來到 Taking Her Picture 這一幕，是他們快要分離的那個清晨。漫步在維也納的街道上，突然背景傳來了一首曲子。我覺得非常耳熟，立刻把聲量調高。
真的是這首。
巴哈的Goldberg Variation No. 25 (Adagio).這是我最喜歡的一首，在所有的 Variation 中，這首最牽動我的心。每次聼這首，整個人都會沉浸在一種莫名的情緒中，非常relax， 非常享受，同時又讓你覺得情緒會隨著豐富然後沉澱。是一種精神上的升華吧，才能讓我每次聼後，倍感滿足。
但是我聼的版本，是Rosalyn Tureck用鋼琴演奏的。但是電影裏的，是一位老爺爺用傳統的Harpsichord彈奏，那個旋律更是美妙。Baroque Period 的主要特點就是Harpsichord 的運用，所以巴哈的音樂那麽獨具一格。有些後悔小時候沒把鋼琴練好。還記得，我最愛彈奏巴哈的民謠曲子了。非常可愛的編曲，很活潑，民族風味濃厚，久久不能忘懷。
我不知道向我介紹這部片子的人知不知道，我最喜歡的演奏曲在裏面呢？我猜想，他大概不知道吧。雖然，我們都一樣喜歡No. 25。下個星期，我希望能夠看 Before Sunset.
勞老師 回信了。關於督導論文的問題，他說他會考慮。我希望，他真的能夠擔任我的導師。儅我說我需要一個真正懂得我的老師時，我確實沒有選錯勞老師。我說我喜歡哲學，喜歡發現自己。
他按照了我的名字和信仰，幫我設計了論文題目。當然，大綱和細節就輪到我了。但是他很棒，真的那麽 spot-on， 一想，就想到了我會喜歡嘗試的題目。老師，我只能再次對你說謝謝了。真的很感謝你。
最近想囘臺灣，囘台大念書的欲望、嚮往、似乎突然增加了很多。也不知道爲什麽。可能是上了臺灣現代小説的課程後，超級懷念柯慶銘教授的后現代主義小説課。也要畢業了，所以總得為未來打算一下。如果可以，我真的很希望日後回到那裏。不爲了什麽，而是單純地想在非常適合我，非常資深的老師們的督導下，讓自己更上一層樓。
因爲有了這個夢想，念書的衝勁會變大。真的很想努力，然最後的一年充實，讓自己得到最大的收穫。所以……我已經下定決心，就算被同學或老師列入黑名單，説是難纏的討厭鬼，我也豁出去了。只要有問題，就問！哈哈……
Anyway, no one will ever remember who i am......i'm just another elderly graduating.haha..last 2 semesters...i should be doing the "stupid things"...lest i regret...
剛才整理相簿本，突然閃過一個念頭：快門閃過，有些美麗再也捕捉不到了。我很慶幸，那時旅遊，我什麽都拍，也愛跟著感性隨心所欲地按下快門。很多，我都覺得美麗，儘管技術不是專業的，還是讓我看了會心一笑。這個才能勾起那些更美麗的回憶，這樣我才覺得值得，才不會後悔。
我是這樣想的啦。
Before Sunrise 的 Jesse 說 : " Because we are so near death, because everything we see is just an empty shell that will head towards death, we will all die one day, that makes everything we do everyday important and meaningful. It should be meaningful."
我只是想做有意義的事情。就是這樣。
19/08/2007 To Sum Things Upl love to blog on sundays...the blogging colour is purple!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeee......okies, in any case, it's been about a week since i last said anything or blogged anything....time flies..it's gonna be week 2 tomorrow and that means....in another 10-12 more weeks, i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and just to sum things up........
as usual, many things go on in my life...and much more goes on in the pea-wee brain...and here's my piece for the week......we'll start with sunday....
Yes, last sunday......
i had to discipline little I-V-A-N...he's a really smart boy, but a little active in class...so he pissed his friend off and as usual, i make him stay back to have a little talk with him.haha...i don't like to scold kids...i always believe in communication(more on that later). and kids say the darnest things...really...haha...we had negotiated and talked about what happened in class that morning and i was about to say my final conclusion and send him off to play when....suddenly, our conversation evolved into...
ME: 所以呢，老師希望下個星期你能夠有更好的表現，好不好？
IVAN: 可是哦，老師，我發現你有moustache...
ME: .............(5 secs)........對阿，這是上帝給我的阿。。。 =_="
kids..they really make me smile....i wasn't angry or upset at Ivan, he wasn't trying to tease me like adults do. It's just the curiousity and innocence in kids that make them say the things they say. haha...i can never quite understand why parents or guardians never bother to take a better look at the reasons behind the actions of children. A lot of times, scoldings and reprimands are just unecessary. Which is why i always stick to communication. Talk to the kids, talk WITH the kids. You think they don't understand you? They do! They really do! I had to talk to Belle today again, because her vandalism acts got worse this week. It started out with chairs, today, the scrawlings got to Joel's activity book! The class is being taught in Mandarin, so it was quite obvious i was going to talk to her in Mandarin. Her grandma was there, witnessing the "small talk" i had,until i got to this point....
ME:慧婷（Belle'sChinese name) ,以後做事情要小心，不然很容易就會出錯，像今天你不小心畫到了日匡的本子 。剛才你好像還沒有道歉……
grandma: oh dear, i don't think she understands what you are saying...
ME: (ignoring ANY presence of other ADULTS\OPINIONS)所以呢，現在你因該對日匡說什麽呢？
Belle: ( a clear 5 sec pause with no hints from me) 對不起。
and who said kids don't understand?papas & mamas out there, you should really learn to trust the teacher sometimes.
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Monday.....i discovered the power of smiles....people usually tell me i laugh crazily and even if i was real sane at that point of time, my laugh gave me away always...hahahah...but i got a really nice letter from Mr Potato, and until then, i never knew the other side of my smile....
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Tuesday....Lessons....and tears
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Wednesday....lessons again....
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thursday.....no school...but i slept my way through the day i think....hahaha...
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friday....lessons...nice philo module....ah yes! i got drenched on the way to school! man....i thought the typhoon was supposed to be in TW?!?! i had to sit through lesson in a wet skirt! that was really ok....it's not hte first time i got wet on the way to school on rainy days...the bad thing is..whoever was the next person sitting down on the same seat i had...better restrict their imaginations.......and yes...tears again...
*****
sat........tuition, tuition and more tuition.
*****
today, sunday.
interesting question DK asked me during lunch.
DK's a nice person and mentor. Real nice to talk to. he's a relationship guru and thus, 十句不離老本行。
here's what he asked me.
DK: So, why do not see anything in Singaporean guys?
ME: Just give me a 3-minute conversation and I can tell you if they are my cup of tea.
DK: Are they seriously THAT bad?
ME: Tell a singaporean guy you want to fly and travel and see what response he gives you.
DK: oh yes, quite true....ok, then why are you so persistent on looking fo rone who can speak fluent chinese?
ME: erm, it's my passion and interest. I'm gonna be using this language 90% of the time in future, even now..if he can't understand a word i say, i don't think we're ever going to have any quality communication.
DK: so, what exactly are you looking for?
ME: another Me, in a guy form.
DK: booch?
ME: =_="
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that's all folks.
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11/08/2007 u take 22 for 2 ?today's blue...so unfortunate that i have to blog on something i'm mad at in this pretty colour...one of the best colours on Taipei 101...sigh...
i just read my email...and my dear MISSUS tells me that "due to re-allocation of our office, the payment wil be delayed.......we ensure that by early September ,latest....."
RIGHT!
really....are u trying to dupe a 22 (and older) year-old? do u take us as 2 year-olds?!...think harder boss...we are the future EOs...do u think..we are really that stupid?!!? do u think u can fool us with such a lousy excuse? with this, are we still supposed to rate u as one the most efficient organisations around? sorry...i was taught the virtue of being honest....so to be honest with you....
REALLY! i seriously do not see the link when you give me this reason. What's re-allocation of your office gotta do with the bank crediting what should be credited? pui! pui! i repeat! PUI! want it bigger? ok..
PUI!
really...not as if u are re-allocating my bank account. rahz! isn't it like a procedure that the bank goes through with you every half a year? aren't you supposed to have notify them on such matters like wayyyyyyyyy before hand....how come u guys adopt procrastination as well? aren't you supposed to set good examples for us? did u not mention that PROMPTNESS is always sooooo important? so how come you choose to delay and delay and delay and D-LAE?!?!?!? really, i thought the past I/Cs were bad enough already....now you! you prove to be the worst !
faint, just let me faint!
i have good grounds to cui and pui at you.
imagine this, if u, sitting in that office, realises that ur bigger boss will be paying u LATEr than USUAL, will you not fly into frenzy?!?! will u not curse and swear? u mean u dun see the dollar signs as attractive symbols?
i'm not trying to be money-minded here....but hey....i need to eat and stay alive rite? u mean i dun need to buy concession to go to school? u mean i dun need to buy textbooks and print notes? halllllllooooooo......
plan-thwarters...spoilers...rahz!
so much for ur lame rules and regulations when u dun even keep to ur promises.....
u and ur SOPs....( Standard-of-Procedure or Slow-On-Payment? u pick...)
see, i told u i hate adults.
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wa, venting it out sure helps.
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sigh......this is ONLY the beginning... of SOPs that will never end....
u recall the tune from Lamb Chops Play-along? it's the one farnie puppet show i watched till it stopped running when i was in secondary school.....it's farnie...but it sure makes sense in many ways....here's the song i always la-la to when things dun end when it should....i changed the lyrics this time...
this is the SOPs that doesn't end
yes it goes on and on my fren
some people, started doing it not knowing wad it does
and they'll continue doing it forever just becos...
this is the SOPs that doesn't end.....
yes it goes on and on my fren..............
............................................ 08/08/2007 where is it?!?!damn. my boss is slow again. where is my KKKK?!?!?!
i seriously hope *fingers crossed and toes thrown in too, i could cross my eyes too man* the KKKK will come on friday. c'mon, school's starting. i need to photocopy notes, i need to buy textbooks, i need to buy my concession.
most importantly, i want to buy my air tickets la!!!!!!
07/08/2007 DEATH奶奶走了。我也不清楚她是不是走得福氣……
子女都成家立業。兒孫滿堂。
不是任何病因，而是年歲已到。
沒有掙扎，安詳地在睡夢中這樣走了。
享年94嵗。
如果以上是定義福氣的標準，那麼就是算福氣。瞑目與否，我還真的不敢下什麽結論。
I'm always skeptical about things. Especially when it concerns life.
我看見了很多的醜陋。我目睹了人心的麻木不仁。突然閒我害怕了。
我討厭大人。
更恐懼，因爲我屬於這分類裏的一分子。我卻討厭大人。原來，不想長大的心情是這樣的。很害怕，如果有一天，我也這樣醜陋。
我領悟到醜陋。也領悟到，有些事情，早點作交代，越清楚越好。如果在臨走前都不能安靜一點，我寧願死的時候，死的那一刻，沒有人發現我。
一個人自己來，一個人自己走開。
懂事了，可以開始交代了。事事難測。搞不好，我沒有70年的時間準備。還是趁早吧。
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Conscience is like a muscle. Not using it will only weaken it.
Jostien Gaarder, "Sophie's World"
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02/08/2007 flying high picked my parents up from the airport this morning at about 1am plus.
i'm so glad they are back:). I miss them, their presence is always a mixture of feelings for me. It's protaganistic and antagonistic at the same time. haha...but if u ask me....i would rather have them around.
it's been the 4th time hanging around the airport in a span of about 40 days. each time, it still kills.
thankfully, no departure flights to TPE or arrival flights from TPE in the middle of the night. if i'd seen any, i think it's gonna make me real sad again. each time i stand before the belts, waiting for people to exit or check-in, in any case, as long as i'm in the airport and i see people dragging their luggage all over, this is what goes through in my mind:
FLY ME BACK.
maybe it's fly me back to TPE, maybe it's fly me back in time. whatever the case, i think i'm still trying to bring the past into the present, which, really, can't be done. so at the end of it all, i always feel stupid.
明明知道是不可能的，卻還是那麽地死心眼。
and then i saw all the air stewardess. and it suddenly dawned on me that, maybe it's one of the careers i can include in my post-4-year plan. haha.
i dunno man. 150cm might be a real tight consideration. but if i have to be honest, i've seen air stewardess just that wee bit taller than i am. but really, it's one of the fastest way of flying up high and far. i speak good chinese. i really wouldn't mind serving on flights toward certain destinations. really, i really WOULDN'T mind if i'm made to fly to TPE almost on every roster days.
There's just one problem. 5 years from now. i really dunno if they take in old damsels. haha.flying at 27 is a little old....considering quite a lot of air stewardess retire at close to 35 after a good 10-year service. i hope my stats are accurate at time of blogging. haha...
everytime i see a plane fly right above my head, i get that sting in my heart. i seriously have this problem. it's been there for a long time. a good 7 months. long time? yeah, it sure is.
just how long is a long time?
is that why we have the saying a day could feel like donkey years? poor donkeys...
一日不見如隔三秋。所以秋天的時間都比較長咯？
i'm really looking forward to flying back in december. please God, let nothing stand in the way. i have to go back. i have to...... 01/08/2007 想不到的標題想不到什麽標題，想不到什麽主題。今天的entry，大概是這幾天累積起來的，只是想抒發抒發一下。
昨天HY來我家“避難”。哈哈。偶爾有人陪著度過一個寧靜的下午，感覺也真的不錯。一起聊天，一起看書。沒有瘋瘋癲癲，確實另一種的享受。HY, you are more than welcomed to drop by anytime k...:) love to have you as company. :)
有時候，一個認真的會很寂寞。不是不ok,一切真的ok， 只是那種孤寂的感受，偶爾還是會偷偷地襲擊啊。再怎麽說，真的還是孤零零的一個人。可是一切真的是 ok的，就是輕鬆自在，隨心所欲。可是在某個程度上，還是會覺得alone. 不是lonely,是alone. 我總是覺得兩者有所分別。而且其中的落差是很大的。
總之，矛盾就是了。哎~~~
昨天跑步。隨性地，隋心地，來到某個轉角、紅綠燈、行人到，按照當下的直覺，順著它跑出了新的路缐。路程延長了，但是跑步的時間限制仍是20分鐘。後來我心血來潮，作了一項“創舉”。我爬樓梯回家。哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！這個哦，我住得不是很高啦，不過這樣繞圈圈一只往上爬，之前的經驗告訴我我找死。哈哈……可是昨天爬了，我竟然一點感覺也沒有。*驚 *O_O! 除了有些暈頭轉向外，氣喘也不會，腳也不會酸痛。我真地在懷疑。我的肌肉是不是除了問題？！？！？？！？！我爬到家時 ，第一個閃過的念頭是“哇靠！那麽快嗎？“
哎~~~
昨天跑步還有點特別。平時聽的歌，都是節奏快的，就是會讓血沸騰起來的阿。哈哈。這樣才能 psycho自己往前沖嘛。可是昨天我竟讓聽著稍稍悲情的音樂跑步！ O_O!!!! 哈哈！
張震嶽的新歌。 思念是一種病。你說有個女孩。
不知道，兩首歌都嘗盡了我的心坎。很感人，不能擺脫那個旋律和歌詞。playlist 裏面，就是這兩首歌，不停地 repeat. 本來還有其他幾首在播放列表中，都被我刪除了。不是味道就是不是味道。勉強聽只會還我速度減慢。哈哈。感覺，昨天跑步是種發洩。
昨晚很累。不到 10分鐘就睡着了。
I've been thinking a lot about you. There doesn't seem to be anything really good about you. That's what i gathered. So what is it that I can't let go? This I really cannot figure out. Somehow, this trip back this december, i kinda figured and decided. i think it's gonna be one of those closure trips. hopefully, when i see you, i can find some reason to give up. most importantly, to forget. really, there doesn't seem to be anything good or worth the while to keep it there. so, why am i finding it hard to let go?
but then again, if liking a person , was all about the "goodness" part, i doubt it's really liking. it's not always rosy. you get the rain, you get the sunshine. i'm kinda confused all over again. do i really like you? is it really "like", or am i just trying to convince myself i lost to someone else?
我真的喜歡你嗎？也説不上是喜歡。很複雜。真的很複雜。但我只能說，最近的這兩首歌，真的是我心裏的感受。真的是雷同。
也許是上帝給我的一個試煉， 只是這個傷口需要花一點時間。
思念是一種病。
兩天的小插曲，算不算是愛情。
！#￥！·%#￥……—*#￥#·￥
sorry, i had to curse. haha. what else to say?
還有一首歌。就是ok.
習慣了就ok.
i've been looking up at that sky. u know how those clouds move in large pieces? sometimes i really wonder, just how strong is the wind up there. hey, 1kg of fluff and 1 kg of lead, is still 1 kg u know. and here we are, at the bottom of the whole thing, enjoying our breeze. just how BIG is the wind up there? sometimes, i wish i could live to see that power. but i stop short in my tracks. maybe not such a good idea. but hey, how else will i know it unless i go through it? anyway, it's not up to me. i might or might not go through it. not i decide. though i really wonder. faculty of wonder. if only i could graduate from this faculty. it's gonna make my life a real one tonne easier.
ok，休息一下吧。太多廢話了。
reminder to self: u still have 2 more things u have to think about. one about what people has been calling u. one about what kevin made you think about.
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