記得我在臺灣的時候，出門或旅行時，總會帶着我的太陽眼鏡。回到新加坡，仍然如此。因爲……

 

回來后，睡眠不好，眼睛看起來累累的，所以不免因爲愛美而把難看的都遮起來……我承認，我很愛美。（不行哦？！？！？）

 

去之前和回來后，自己依然容易掉淚，所以，戴上太陽眼鏡，似乎有种安全感，就算眼眶泛淚，也不怕被人發現。我承認，我愛哭。最討厭，我哭的時候，大家叫我不要哭。（不行哦？！？！？！）

 

回來后，常常犯上愁緒，睡前總會哭，眼睛腫了，自然給人不好的印象，所以，爲了避開大家的“關心” ，戴上太陽眼鏡，麻煩的問題就少了。雖然如此，還是會些沒趣的傢伙愛問我，爲什麽要戴太陽眼鏡。我大X四(爽），不行哦？！？！

 

去之前和回來后，我常常出神，不想讓人知道，就掩飾啊。我愛做夢。

 

陽光刺眼，眼睛不舒服，戴上酷酷的太陽眼鏡，感覺真的很不錯。

 

今天在巴士上，我戴着太陽眼鏡。窗外下起雨。我看見一些影子，猜到大概是晴天雨吧。心情悶悶，因爲討厭雨天。想起一些事情。才赫然發現，我戴太陽眼鏡，是擋住了太陽，還是自己的淚水？

 

所以，才寫了今天的這一篇……

 

其實，我是不想讓人看見我的眼睛。泛著淚沒泛著淚也好，有化妝沒化妝也好，就是不希望讓人看見我的眼睛。

 

因爲，它常常出賣我……ORZ

I'm a DEVIANT. I never quite like to listen to the bull-shit that people always tell me to do. All they want, is to make me into the person THEY WANT. So what makes them think their moral values are right?

 

What makes me think my moral values are right?

 

I just don't want to lose myself. I just want to be ME.

 

After living for 22 years here, it pains me and throws me into this total conflict within, when you realise that no one really understands you, no one knows you. Your family, your friends, your social circle. Those who really do understand, are so few. Yet I'm really thankful that there are these few. Thank you guys!

 

No doubt i'm really touched and greatful for all that my family do for me. The kind of anxiety I often throw them into, the kind of fear and worry i always give them......I'm really sorry......

 

可是愛一個人，關心一個人，原來可能是傷害他。而我們卻不知道。這樣， 有錯嗎？

 

Nope, you are not in the wrong when you care or love someone. But do you really understand the person you are loving? If you do not understand what kind of love you should be giving them, you might end up hurting them, really.

 

I kinda hate myself for being such a bitch and witch. I'm only capable of bringing hurt and pain to them. I'm only capable of making them worry. I can never earn back a second chance for the trust I broke yeras ago. I try so hard i try so hard, but things never worked out. You know it when people keep bringing up the past. It was never forgotten, so I can't be sure of whether I was really forgiven. Perhaps not, since i'm still made a sinner.

 

Call me unfilial, call me evil, call me anything you want. I've come up with this decision, perhaps a little too early to confirm as of now, but surely, it will never be negated or nullified. One day, I will leave this place.I will have to leave everything behind in search of a place where I will not be DEVIANT. Where i will be happy.

 

So why do I cry so hard? Till my eyes are swollen and my brain hurts? This place where i grew up, the people who took care of me, are the things that are producing so many PUSH factors. 這個地方容納不下我，不是我傷心的理由。而是不被身邊的人接納，所以才那麽無奈。

 

The DEVIANT wants to leave. She just wants to go to where she belongs. Where she will find her sunshine and the smile she left behind.

 

I asked God, where do i belong? I had expected God to tell me that i belong here. But the things that have been happening.....seem to push me away. It's still early, but for the events that provide emotions so clear, i cannot simply brush them aside.

 

There's always two sides to a door. Most people only like to see one.

 

By the way, don't tell me to stop crying. Don't say i'm a weakling who cannot accept facts.

 

我是在哭了以後，才勇敢，才更堅強。

 

不然，我會有今天？開玩笑…… 

我好累。很累的時候，就會非常非常想你。想了你，就更累了。你呢?

 

今天，錯怪了妹妹。或許我不應該發脾氣。我想賴皮。這件事並非完全我的錯。我只是很討厭她突然在地鐵和巴士上哭得好像死了人一樣。我很討厭。好像是我欺負了她一樣。

 

你還想狡辯。明明就是你的錯。明明就是你先向她發脾氣的阿。

 

可是如果她做事情小心，我也不會隨便發脾氣的。我又不是無緣無故地耍性子。我是真的很氣才會這樣的。我沒有了自己的時間，沒有的休息，不能好好地放空以下腦筋。我最討厭人家突然將屬於我的時間給奪走或是擾亂了我的規律。我爲什麽要爲了你犯的錯誤或是因爲你的野蠻而付出代價？

 

我很討厭自己的坏脾氣。加上近日的壓力，我真的很容易就會借題發揮。悶太久了。無奈，儘管我向人吐苦水，大家還是不能理解我的心情阿。我說了又有什麽用，不就自己收起來，藏在心底。

 

我是危險物品。請勿觸碰。I’m so volatile these days.

 

平靜的水面下暗藏了漩渦。

 

結果，我還是不習慣。不習慣回到了這裡，回到了從前的自己，腦海裏卻一直浮現着那些“曾經” 。必須習慣曾經消失而又突然回來的節奏。

 

頭好痛。人很累。心很無奈。

 

我好想你。好想好想你。好懷念“曾經” 。 我恨我自己。

 

我真的不會當姐姐。我是屎。

 

唉唉，我心中的壓力，誰懂啊？機~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~車啦~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Daddy, thank you.

今天是我的生日。

今年的生日比往年安靜多了。

平常多了。

可能是因爲。

人已經長大了。

 

謝謝大家的祝賀、禮物。

我很開心知道周圍的朋友沒有忘了我。

真的很感動。

 

謝謝你記得我

謝謝你記得這個屬於我的特別日子

謝謝你記得這幾個特別的數字

 

有時還蠻帕 被人遺忘的

曾經被對自己重要的人遺忘過

那種感覺

很難受

很寂寞

很孤獨

很想哭

 

感覺是我根本不存在

卻深深體會了真實

 

我真的很開心知道你還記得我

謝謝

心中是陣陣的溫馨 哦

 

今年的生日真的很特別

不在節目

不在安排

不在任何事情

只因爲自己的心態變了

 

 

我不想多說

 

 

女孩，生日快樂

 

 

祝我生日快樂

我又哭了

 

突然閒的哭

 

小哭大哭默默地哭

失控的淚水

一直流啊~~~~

我想停下來可是就是拿它沒辦法

一滴接一滴

 

感覺是，哭夠了，心情自然穩定些

可怕的是

常常這樣

還蠻痛苦的

 

很累，哭了後

雙眼腫腫

有時候會痛

 

哭的時候很難看

眼睛紅紅的

臉頰也會紅紅的

淚水燙燙的

滑下臉頰時

總是會刺刺的感覺

 

可以哭，我很開心

很愛哭

是愛哭鬼

慾哭無淚時最痛苦

所有感受悶在胸口

淚水嗆在喉嚨

很痛

很辛苦

 

可以大聲、放縱地哭

超爽

讓淚水流到干

 

可能開始是激動

抽噓很厲害

肺好像要爆炸了

可是順著感覺哭

眼淚奪眶而出的那一刻

是情緒的釋放

人就會冷靜些

 

我在想

我寫的東西

我寫的部落格

該看的人

有沒有看

不該看的人

有沒有看

都沒有關係

我只是單純地想發洩

 

晚安

 

 

 

nothing's right......not about what's going right or what's going wrong...not the GOING......

 

it's the things.....the things are just not right......the place......the stuff......even people......

 

i feel......so out of place......i couldn't quite engage in conversations......i tried...i did...

 

i try to talk the way i talked...i tried to do things the way i did......but it's just NOT right.....

 

i wanna go back. go back and move on from THERE. NOT HERE.

 

everything's like this VCD player that stopped suddenly and it's not playing anymore.

 

the screen just stops at that scene......anything after that just DON'T seem to fit the storyboard.

 

CRAP

 

i don't know what's going on......

 

I feel so TIRED. Not the brain. Not the muscles. INSIDE.

 

No one told me i was going to suffer so much aftermath. I anticipated it though. But i never knew it would get THIS BAD.

 

I MISS EVERYTHING BACK THERE.

 

CRAP!!!!!!

 

我真的不想這樣的。我真的不想這樣。可是我真的沒有辦法逃避。

 

那些歌。我不想聼。可是還是被我聽到了。電視機蒙蒙的。

 

麥香奶茶。找到它的時候，看見它美美地坐在架子上，買了一瓶，喝了一口，微笑的下一秒，視線卻模糊了。

 

好久沒有和任何人正式提起臺灣。卻偏偏還有人在問我。我竟然閃過敷衍了事的念頭。

 

如果失眠，就好。爲什麽還夜夜夢見那些地方。

 

我真的不是故意要想的。

 

已經是我的一部分了。

 

所以常常被偷襲。

 

救命啊

 

TAKE ME BACK TO THE PLACE. PLEASE.

 

PLEASE

 

this is getting crazy.

 

people expect you to be the same. i got ready to be different.

 

stop telling me "hey it's great to see u back. you dun haf to go back anymore!!!"

 

BACK THERE....it wasnt a refugee camp. it was like my paradise.

 

you geddit?

 

sigh.

 

sigh.

 

sigh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

一個人

有一個人要做的事

 

一個人

有一個人做不完的事

 

一個人

有一個人可以做的很多事

 

 

*****

 

孔子說溫故知新。老師說熟讀后，自有一番體會。我，胡説。

 

I took my Adidas for a good run today.

It's been a while since he last kissed any gravel or tarred road.

While he laid asleep in the box since I came back from TW.

The thoughts in me started to run wild.

Either my Adidas lay silent or me having a peace of mind.

So, it was time to summon those adrenaline back into action.

I fell in love with running when i was in TW.

Not that I didn't do any running before that.

But I did it for a different purpose.

Back in TW,  I gave my mind the good run and it was all on the treadmill where I figured out thesis questions, essays

And found pretty a lot of directions in life.

It was on-the-spot.

It was inspiration, at least, my way of summoning.

My sister used to say I didn't quite have enough flesh on my rear.

I never knew running could cause adverse effects such as having the brain-matter end up at the wrong places. ><

FINE.

I use to run for that.

I was afraid my stamina had dropped after 2 months of muscle-wasting

There are some things in life you never lose.

Once I hit the road, I didn't quite want to stop.

Until I had my thoughts on the right track.

For the past few days, I was pretty bothered about a cruel truth I found existing in my world.

I thought about it. And cried.

So I ran.

I ran to make sure I was heading in the right direction.

I know I'm in the right direction.

Because

I'm not lost.

 

 

 

我這個女孩就是愛做夢……開心不開心，就是愛做夢。

 

這幾夜連續夢見自己走在臺北的街道上

夢見自己又回到了台大的教室裏，聼老師解説三國

夢見自己回到了怪異的考場中，找不到自己的考卷

夢見自己預見了熟悉和不曾見過的同學

夢見自己穿著從五分埔買回來的大衣，走在毛毛雨中的椰林大道

夢見自己和老師討論董仲舒

當然，也夢見了你。和你一起吃擔仔面

 

醒來的那霎那，總是有點驚嚇

總是有點失落

然後是自己熟悉的嘆息

然後，又這樣地起床

又這樣去做我該做的事

去過我必須過的一天

然後，又是一夜

 

很奇怪。真的很奇怪。

是我活在夢幻中

還是夢幻活在我裏面

 

……就是在睜開眼睛的那一刻

********************************************************************************************************************

 

What's on your mind Every Second?

 

A name?

A place?

A feeling?

Someone?

Something?

One thing?

Many things?

 

What if, there's a "CONSTANT"? Every Second, every second after the next second. It was first. Then second and first of the next second and the first of the next next second......Before each "first", it is every second.

 

I didnt have to make things complicated. I don't want to. But there's something that shed some light some 2 nights ago. And i've been thinking......

 

This didnt come from me, but from FREN, who is a very nice person. FREN said, FREN knew FREN loved someone. Or that FREN knew FREN's feeling was special towards this someone(SPECIAL). Because, every second was spent thinking of SPECIAL. Every second that FREN was alone, FREN thought of SPECIAL. This is nothing. Here's what hit me, hard.

 

EVERY SECOND FREN was NOT alone, FREN still thought of SPECIAL. When FREN was in good company;when FREN was enjoying happy times;when FREN was upset......

 

Did EVERY SECOND belong to FREN? Or did EVERY SECOND belong to SPECIAL? 

 

It really doesn't matter.

 

I came to realise, I was in the shoes of FREN. And i knew why I couldnt let go. I was afraid of EVERY SECOND. Especially when I was NOT alone. What if one day, there was no more EVERY SECOND SPECIAL?

 

 

 

 

 

 

If only, I could be SPECIAL too, and you, my FREN.