I feel like crying out loud. It's been quite a while since I last wailed like a little girl. I'm always so envious children, because they can just let their feelings go, so easily. As I grew, I've been trained to be so cautious and conscious of what I'm doing, the over-careful "me" has kind of lied to myself too many times, the tears cannot decide when not to flow and when to flow. So I choke often. It hurts to choke. All along, God has tested and trained almost every aspect of my life. Everything, i thought. Except. emotions. I never really knew how to control "THEM". I never quite saw the power of emotions. Until one trip away and back. I was lifted from where i grew up for the last 21 years, to a place i never gone before. All to experience emotions, to know myself better, and now to suffer.

 

If you never knew you had this bad point, you might have been happier, because there was no need to deal with it. You didnt see the need. Now, you see it. You need to deal with it. Congratulations.

 

Do i know how to deal with it? Nope. Not quite. Day by day, step by step. I get so helpless, I leave it all to God.

 

Like i said, it's God moulding me.So i leave it all to Him.

 

I just hate myself, for not being able let go. For clinging on to somethings and making them so important, when there are many other options of dealing with them. So why did i not choose alternatives? When i clearly know that I would be happier. The underlying basis for all other options? Is to lie to myself and others.

 

I hate to lie. It's not real. It's not the real me.

 

So i suffer, because i choose to let emotions be honest. I choose to let them be real.

 

This is ME.

 

I bet a lot of you out there, never really saw this part of me this way. I never saw it this way either. It was one trip away and back. I learnt to be honest. Forgive me for being honest. I just want to let you know the truth.

 

Let go little girl. It's not doing you good. Let go.

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