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*~我是慕恩~* 你可以叫我*慕慕*喜歡簡單·愛搞孤僻·自然·不行哦？！ **~擧個手，說聲“喲！”，讓我知道你到此一游 ~**
10/10/2007 生病咯:(哦，好難受哦！要病不要病是最辛苦的說……哎哎~
還好今天早上沒事，挨過了課堂報告。還不錯啦，至少我呈現的時候，沒有人睡覺。我已經開始犯職業病了ORZ
哈哈，我竟然會說：“同學們， 你們知道爲什麽嗎？/有人要猜猜嗎？/對了！就是因爲……” 0_0 這是，天生就要走上沾筆的道路嗎？有些事情你不相信是天注定都很難，說真的。
鼻涕一直流……剛才回家的途中莫名其妙頭痛。我的大頭可以預測天氣的說。如果列熱當空的一天，我突然頭痛到要死，呼吸開始出現問題，就是説，要下傾盆大雨咯~~~~~同學， 快把你的小雨傘拿出來唄~~~~~說真的， 我寧願不要這種折磨人的“特異功能”。真的差一點死掉。好可怕。上一次感覺要死，是8歲那年，哮喘病突然發作（我之前從來沒有哮喘的記錄，所以也沒有藥物在身旁。），大家都不知所措，真的感覺要死了。人家問我什麽我有意識可是完全無法回應，很痛苦又說不出來。拜托，不要再讓我這樣死了~~~~
睡了5個小時，頭還是很重，不是痛，很重就是了。哎哎~~~在這種時刻，我覺得我需要身邊有個男人。哈哈~~~剛才吃飯的時候，耳朵一直嗡嗡叫，大家大聲説話，我的頭更重，很想躲到被窩裏，有人哄我睡覺。哎哎~~~~
不行啊，如果以後要自己一個人住，自己一個人出外工作，這樣的身子不行啊。如果突然病倒，要怎麽辦？小病ok,大病誰來照顧我啊？很討厭。人爲什麽不能夠獨立呢？獨立就是什麽都可以自己來的意思啊。明明就是得依賴人，海死撐……哎哎~~~身體乖哦， 我知道很久沒帶你跑步了。okok,星期五以前你給我好起來，我帶你跑跑哦。
抱抱啦~~我要抱抱！
我生病的時候，很喜歡撒嬌。哈哈~~~同樣地，也喜歡語無倫次，瘋瘋癲癲。
10/1/2007 Crossing the LineI'm in the CLB right now. supposed to be reading my notes, but my eyelids are getting heavy. Z_Z
The past week(s?), I've been crossing lines, with people crossing on my lines too. And i'm beginning to see some new perspectives. More importantly, it's really proving what I believe to be true.
*************
haven't been into the cinema for a long time. so i sneaked out for a movie last tuesday. caught 881. real good stuff. i'm so into 一人一半.
Jibunjibuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.........
haha...:P
nice costumes and i really love the songs.
sometimes, i really wished i was better at my Hokkien. then i wouldn;t have to keep relying on the subtitles.
i crossed the line. i went for a movie alone. it's the first time i think, in a cinema. yeah.
i usually watch VCDs alone at home. but that's a little different i guess.
but hey, the feelings'.........well....not so much of a "sad & melancholic one".....
it's more like......
you'll start to miss somethings...some people....
and it makes me question myself,
just how did i end up in there all by myself?
haha...
***************
Crossing lines takes GUTS.
It's the consequences, really.
******************
So i advise, with that little less guts, maybe if you still want to cross some lines, at least, please,
arm yourselves with some incredible knowledge and wisdom.
Do NOt
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BE AN EXPERT.
(damn, i really don't remember the English Idiom here.)
千萬不要自作聰明，班門弄斧。
I was at a wedding dinner the other night. and somehow, i believe, in a mistake in the seating arrangements, i was mistakened to be 40 yrs and above. so i landed myself at some undesired table.
i found myself not only to be the youngest there, but to my amazement, i was the dart board.
darts came from all directions and in all sizes. for a moment, i think there were a few ARROWS.
thank goodness none of these dart-throwers were really experts in anything. but hey, if they were experts, we would be able to carry out some DECENT discussions and really learn from one another.
周桀倫我認識。我也認識周公，周易，周禮，你認識嗎？
（白癡）
新加坡不是沒有好的劇本，不知道你懂不懂說，好的劇本，就只在舞臺、戲院才看得到。如果《15》在平時的8點檔播出，你大概會破口大駡說世風日下，道德淪喪吧。
（拜托你，用用你的腦）
對了， 有空請看看戯吧。不然你很快就要變成戲子了。
（哈。我的嘴巴不懂得積德。）
是的，那首歌時齊豫唱的。是的，齊豫的聲音是這樣的。且慢，我說的是齊豫，你確定你想到的不是蔡琴？
Thank you for crossing that line so bravely. you had the guts, but you certainly underestimated some things. which includes the amount of stupidity you are capable of displaying.
謝謝看扁我。
（你知道我爲什麽是逆子嗎？）
*******************************
Crossing the line with guts and knowledge doesn't really guarantee you'll cross it right at the end of the day. Sometimes, you still end up wrong somewhere. maybe you crossed the wrong line. but having crossed it, at least, you now know, maybe , you shouldn't have crossed it at all.
No more next time.
********************************
5 glasses of red wine, and i found myself at the brink of getting drunk. Conscious, definitely, but i couldn't quite walk straight.
Worse, effects surface after TOTAL DIGESTION.
是真的。
醉人吐真言。
我只能說，在意識清醒的情況下，對自己吐真言，很可怕。控制不了。
連哭的時候，胸口是緊緊的，悶悶的，很痛就是了。
可是這樣哭出來，還覺得很爽。
哈哈
（慕慕是個酒鬼，她會醉的哦）
*****************************
醉不可怕，可怕的是，不能清醒。
**************************************
9/20/2007 caught by surprisedarn! i'm so glad msn space's working at bullet speed today. i would've died if i didn't get to vomit out what i need to...
i was caught by surprise. i really never expected it. it was all too sudden. i was like, stunned and scared. so i logged off. then i logged in again. then it was gone. as suddenly as it appeared, the same way it disappeared.
i've got so many questions, so many things i want to tell, i want to ask, i want to say. but i lost my guts somewhere. i cant bear to do what i really want to. i'm so scared. i'm just so scared.
it's probably the most ambiguous blog ever. whatever.
but have you ever felt so contradicted and caught in a dilemma before?
when the words "welcome home" & "i wish u never came back" were like blending into one word " iwishuneverwelcomecamebackhome"......
things are probably gonna be the same for you. but things were never quite the same for me.it only got scarier and scarier.
* **** *** **** . * ****** **. * **** * ***** **** *** ** *** ****.* **** * ***** **** *** ****.
9/17/2007 OKi've been feeling so stressed-out lately, the past weekend was kind of like a complete torture and a real test of just how effective is "mind-over-matter" on me.
my family's right about me. they used to call me 睡美人 when i was young. yeah, maybe because i still looked cute until a certain age( sigh), because thereafter i was known as Miss Sleepasaurus(right). But the real reason was, if i don't catch enough sleep on a day-to-day basis, anything, ANYTHING can happen. and then i'll be forced to sleep, i'll be be forced to drop everything and anything that had to be done and go to bed.
the past week was kind of a killer. don't ask me why. the workload's the same. the amount of miscellaneous is also relatively the same.i guess i took it too hard upon myself. because i really wanted to do well, score well and basically excel, since i know what i'm capable of. there are some people i really wanna thrash this semester, and there are some things i wanna get even about, and there are some things i really prove wrong. all in two words- overly ambitious.
the result?
terrible terrible ulcer and sore swollen gums.
i couldn't eat or chew much. it was back to baby food. porridge, blended fruit mix, soft-boiled eggs......while everyone else could enjoy prawns, otak, chicken wings......rahz! for a person who loves to eat, it's really a torture.
i had no choice. by thursday, it was getting pretty bad. i was eating like a tortoise during lunch. haha.i was really thankful i'd finished by the time HY's friends came and took our table. quite paiseh......
i had no choice but to force myself to sleep on friday afternoon. but what good is it when it isn't quality sleep? sigh........i had bad dreams.....which meant i didn't really sleep at all. and that worsened the situation, cos my gums really really hurt that night. i was really on the verge of crying already. i was so darn hungry but i just couldn't swallow anything.
i had a whole full day of tuition on saturday. with that sore gums and ulcer, i'm amazed how i made it through 3 sessions. it hurt so much! i only managed to swallow 2 donuts for the whole day until dinner time. i didn't have much appetite but i was really weak and hungry by then.
having had such a bad few days, i was really thankful when my family was so understanding. i was quite shocked. because my elder sis kind of cracked jokes about her confinement( at the moment) and my dad was there with all his lame jokes to entertain me. and of course, mummy's remedy always works. i was forced to down TWO whole pears( those huge brown ones they call...雪梨）in one night. and the next morning i was well enough. THANK GOD! at least, i made it for sunday school and managed to teach the kids, although yes, my mouth still hurt. at the end of it all, i can only thank God for blessing me with my loved ones. the last thing i wanted was to have people rub anything else in. i would have broke down.
i think, i need to strike some balance somewhere. maybe i've been too hard on myself. maybe i tried to use work as an excuse. maybe, i'm expecting too much at one go. maybe, i really need to learn to let go a little. and just trust God. maybe i forgot i'm supposed to enjoy the whole process of learning.
Da jie was right, God already knows, and He's got it all planned. it's not about being pessimistic or overly submissive about my life, it's really about how much faith i have in Him. Nothing bad can come out of it. it's just me, who thinks that if i don't do it this way, i won't achieve what i want. not really, all roads lead to rome. and while some are destined to end up in rome, maybe He's destined me to end up somewhere else.
back to basics. i'm still finite and there's just a lot to learn about letting go. and so, it's really the art of 順其自然 , letting nature take its course. no doubt there are a lot of odds, but like salmons swimming upstream,overcoming odds are part of the course of nature as well. it's how determined i will be. it's how much mind i have over the matter. it's how much i believe. little by little, one step at a time. i'll get there.
9/10/2007 everything's gonna be ok, right? 星期一 · 紅色
不知道是什麽原因，就是覺得最近整個人很低落。可能是功課的壓力排山倒海而來，縂覺得自己快要倒下去了，縂覺得自己快要支撐不住了。可是我真得很想把這個學期搞好，很希望能夠順利地過關，甚至抱著成績或許能夠進步的希望。我真的很想在功課上有更好的成就。如果成績不好，未來就會很渺茫。可是我不能放棄，我一定要加油。那是我的夢想。
要不是遇上惹人討厭的老師，或許我會輕鬆一些。真的很看不順眼這些人。
“你們是存心要整死我們的嗎？”
我真的開始懷疑，所謂的大學教育的宗旨、師資、計劃……
學習，不是應該是一件快樂的事？爲什麽我竟然被這樣的制度搞得苦不堪言？這樣下來，還有什麽意義？
壓力，我很久沒有感覺到它的逼迫了。
我很想停下來，讓自己休息一下，可是周遭的人事物不允許我這麽做。
我感覺有些累。我感覺壓力。我想發洩。
誰說我堅強？屁啦……
我想有人能夠秀秀我，sayang我。
很想聼一句 "shhhhh.....everything's gonna be ok"之類的……
很想有人拍拍、抱抱
可能我把自己逼得太緊了，要求高了，所以現在無法負荷了，累了，快倒了，快垮了。
我只是想盡力、全力以赴、全心全意地學習。卻心有餘而力不足。
很煩。
可是我不能夠就這樣被打倒。
反彈吧，女孩！哈……
慕慕，我還是那句老話，順其自然
不要把自己逼得太緊了
你畢竟也是人
也需要休息
你本來就沒有比其他人聰明
你一向都是靠著努力和奮鬥熬過來的
你和別人不一樣
你是先鋒隊
打前綫
所以你的生命力很頑強
所以你有逆流的作風
你可以的
你要相信你自己
慢慢來
一點一滴慢慢來
你已經很不錯了
你要應付的那麽多
4年來，都是這樣
你可以的
你的夢想等著你
絕對不要放棄
絕對不要
去，好好休息
別忘了，你不是孤軍作戰
你可以的
相信自己
相信上帝
everything's gonna be ok.
唔，會沒事的
船到橋頭自然直
sometimes i wish i was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, then i won't have to fight so hard.
sometimes i wish, i was really a little bit more cleverer.
but there's always this huge contradiction and antagonistism going on. i don't want to fight so hard, but i still want to fight.
i don't even quite know my momentum now. everything's soooooo...........i dunno....just so much things to do.
i hate to give my slip-shod best.
sigh.
sometimes i wish i could just sleep, fall into a deep deep sleep and never wake up. sigh.
you know, how a ball falls to the ground? it has to hit this lowest point in velocity(?),before it really hits the ground, gains some new force to overcome zero, and then rebound back?
i think i'm hitting the ground soon. i only hope i rebound, and not shatter to pieces. i really hope so.
i just don't want to lose to myself.
i am my nemesis.
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